Believe It Or Not, There Are Bigger Crybabies Than Cristiano Ronaldo

We've reached the quarterfinal stage of the World Cup, and some big names have already been unceremoniously booted after early round losses. Not many people were surprised at France's exit, and The USA and England were lucky to make the Round of 16 in the first place. But Italy, the reigning champions, never made it out of group play. And now Portugal, ranked #3 by FIFA has been sent home by Spain.

At least one of the Portuguese players, captain (and forward for Real Madrid) Cristiano Ronaldo, was pretty bummed out by the turn of events:

"I feel a broken man," he said, "completely disconsolate, frustrated and an unimaginable sadness. ... I am a human being and like any human being I suffer and I have the right to suffer alone."

To be fair, Ronaldo didn't break down weeping like he has so many times in the past, choosing this time to direct his despair at a nearby cameraman. Even so, he's still regarded as one of the biggest blubberers in a sport full of divers and drama queens.

But this is America, dammit. Surely we can come up with a few domestic crybabies to counteract all the flopping and bad acting taking place in South Africa.

Jimmy Swaggart

Give the guy his due, he learned his lesson. After getting caught with a prostitute in 1988 (the event leading to the infamous and oft-parodied "I have sinned against you" speech), he told his supporters -- after another bust in 1991 -- it was "none of their business." And the guy still has a ministry. You gotta admit, that's some serious balls.

Terrell Owens

Come on, least C. Ronaldo was upset about getting run from a once-every-four-years tournament. You're blubbering about a divisional playoff loss. Tony Romo should be happy about one thing: this interview butched up his image in a way dating Jessica Simpson never could.

Britney Spears

"What will it take to get the paparazzi to leave you alone?" How about disassociating yourself from psycho manager/boyfriends, wearing underwear in public, and moving out of Los Angeles? That'd be a start.

Rob Schneider

Plenty of filmmakers take their lumps from critics with little or no public reaction. Schneider, on the other hand, responded to Los Angeles Times critic Patrick Goldstein's negative criticism of Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo by taking out full page ads in Variety and The Hollywood Reporter. Roger Ebert, himself a recipient of Scheider's vitriol following his own negative take on Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, summed it up best: "If he's going to persist in making bad movies, he's going to have to grow accustomed to reading bad reviews."

See, it's funny because she's tall.

Glenn Beck

I never cease to be amazed that Fox News, a network that champions masculine virtues like deregulation and "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" gives this lachrymose cretin a TV show. I mean, when Joe Scarborough and Shepard Smith are making fun of you, it's time to man the fuck up.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar