Biggest Loser, v 1.0 -- Brewer Lawn Ornament Hoarder

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New feature alert for this space!

Every now and then, stories come to my attention that deserve to see the light of day, if for no other reason than to ridicule the subject matter and serve as a de facto "public service announcement" for you, the reader, to never partake in such ludicrous, head-scratching activity.

Oftentimes, these activities (whatever they may be) involve multiple people acting in the same dysfunctional fashion, so it's easier just to paint the entire group with the same broad brush. Call it the "LOSER" brush.

So in honor of the Biggest Loser season finale tonight, this new feature will be called "Biggest Loser," even though the stories may have nothing to do with fat people being fat (although coincidentally, our first "Biggest Loser" feature is in Wisconsin, so fat people are most assuredly involved).

So without further ado, here is your "Biggest Loser, version 1.0":

LOSER: "Bernie Brewer" lawn ornament hoarder LOCATION: Throughout the greater Milwaukee area STORY: I like the Milwaukee Brewers for many reasons. They play in a spectacular ballpark, the people of Wisconsin are as merry a folk as you will meet, the team gave us sausage races, and did I mention that beer is pretty much at the core of all of their marketing?

Seriously, what's not to like?

Well, chalk up another reason to love the Brewers -- they love social media!

In an effort to build continued interest in the ball club, the Brewers ran a scavenger hunt-style promotion whereby about 1,400 lawn ornament statues depicting Milwaukee's ''Bernie Brewer'' mascot were hidden across Wisconsin early Tuesday. Some of the pieces had tickets, prizes and player autographs attached.

The club planned to give out clues over Twitter and Facebook as to the whereabouts of the souvenirs so that fans could go find them (one per household, of course) early Tuesday morning. Like REALLY early, like before the sun came up.

There was only one problem, and that's where our BL, v1.0 comes in.

The Brewers' employees responsible for hiding the lawn ornaments were greeted and stalked at about three in the morning by a bunch of idiots whose to-do list consisted of the following:

1. Grab as many "Bernie Brewer" lawn ornaments as they could. 2. Get them onto eBay as quickly as possible. 3. Pocket the profits from selling the items. 915,623. Get laid

According to the Associated Press...

Brewers spokesman Tyler Barnes said fan response to Tuesday morning's scavenger hunt-style promotion was ''staggering,'' though team officials were disappointed that some fans didn't play by the rules.

''It's disappointing,'' Barnes said. ''The intent of the promotion and the rules of the promotion were eminently clear -- it was one per household.''

Yeah, BL v1.0 clearly didn't get a copy of those rules, Barnsy. On the one hand, it certainly feels deplorable that a faction of your fan base would deprive another portion of your fan base of the experience of having a plastic "Bernie Brewer" watch over their home, like a drunken, mustachioed little angel.

On the other hand, Brewer spokesman, you should feel pretty good that there's this much interest in your ball club that people want a hard plastic, butt ugly lawn ornament depicting your mascot that badly. I think the Astros could do a social media contest where they march the actual members of the team to places around town at seven in the morning and nobody would show up to try and even say hello to them, much less hoard them.

But back to BL, v1.0 -- according to some fans who visited eBay, the losers who were jamming these plastic statues into their cars by the dozen apparently had them up online for $200 apiece by late morning.

So I know who the first winner of our "Biggest Loser" title is in this space, it's the Brewers' overnight dirt people who scavenge "Bernie Brewer" statues and put them on eBay. That one's easy.

Now if one of you pays $200 for one of them, naming the second winner of "Biggest Loser" will be just as easy.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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