Biggest Loser v 7.0 -- Sacramento Kings Guard Tyreke Evans

Keep Houston Press Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

Overall, it's turned into kind of a slow sports week, which I guess is to be expected as we are in the dreaded "post-NFL combine, pre-March Madness dead period." Add in the fact that the Rockets have seemingly been on a second All-Star break this week (haven't played since Saturday), and on a lazy Thursday I believe it may be time to dust off the "Biggest Loser" gimmick.

After all, there may be days without games, there may be days without news, but sports will always give us losers. Always.

First, let's reset previous recipients of the "Biggest Loser" award, an award which laments the human condition of stupidity and yearns for the eventual Darwinian weeding-out of these folks from the collective gene pool:

Biggest Loser, v 1.0 -- Brewer Lawn Ornament Hoarder

Biggest Loser, v 2.0 -- (Then-) Dallas Cowboys WR Roy Williams

Biggest Loser, v 3.0 -- Luther Campbell

Biggest Loser, v 4.0 -- Jeff Toole

Biggest Loser, v 5.0 -- Washington Wizards Chris Singleton

Biggest Loser, v 6.0 -- Tattooed Yankee Fan Carlos Sturgus

And into the club we now welcome Sacramento Kings guard Tyreke Evans!

Frankly, when you look at his overall resume, it's a small miracle that Evans hasn't been inducted into this notorious group before. Recapping his body of work, it started back before he went off to college for one year at Memphis when he was the driver of a car from which his cousin, Jamar Evans, shot and killed a guy back in 2007.

Then after being named NBA Rookie of Year for the 2009-2010 season, Evans decided to celebrate by getting nabbed by the California Highway Patrol (CHiPs, y'all!) for doing well over 100 miles per hour on a Sacramento freeway. In fact, it appears from the overhead surveillance video that he was approaching 120 to 130 miles per hour at times during this joy ride. Check out the YouTube clips:

Then there's Evans' general basketball turd-ness in a four year career that has seen him go backwards statistically each season as compared to the previous year. His yearly scoring average has gone like this over his NBA career: 20.1, 17.8, 16.5, and all the way down to 15.5 this season. Given the opportunity to extend Evans before the season, the Kings declined to do so.

And now comes the incident that finally allowed Evans to break through and make this illustrious list. It comes from Tuesday night's Kings-Heat game in Miami, a game that was actually closer than most expected it to be for a while. Eventually, the Heat managed to put some daylight between them and the Kings, and the last minute or so of the game turned into a "dribble out the clock" situation.

That's all that Heat guard Dwyane Wade wanted to do when he got the ball at midcourt with mere seconds remaining. However, Evans had other ideas. Check it out:

Ball don't lie, Tyreke. You are a loser.

Now is this incident on par with alleged accessory to murder? No, of course not. Is it anywhere close to reckless driving and endangering innocent fellow motor vehicle operators? Nope. But it is an embarrassing straw to break the camel's back, and enough to finally help Tyreke Evans realize his destiny as Biggest Loser v 7.0.

(h/t to Deadspin.com)

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.