CultureMap, which gets all of the very finest press releases that plebes like us don't, has news on a new, exclusive Texas perfume about to go on sale at Saks Fifth Avenue.
Bond No. 9 (Motto: "Be mysterious, like our idiotic name") will have a limited Texas edition of 400 bottles, whose arrival will be celebrated by the state's first lady August 25. Because if there's anything a governor's wife should be celebrating in these economic times, it's a $360 bottle of toilet water.
Bond No. 9, we're told, will smell like Texas. And what does Texas smell like?
"Southwestern notes of warm vanilla, aromatic cardamom, East Indian vetiver and musk," we're told. But you probably knew that anyway.
Unless you live near Pasadena.
CultureMap's analysis detected notes of leather and "a hint of Shalimar." (Yeah, you can take the time to go google Shalimar. It's more than we can be bothered to do.)
Somehow we don't see this as fitting our version of what Texas smells like. Here are some fragrances we think any Texas perfume should include:
1. The whiff of the doctor's office where you go to get Botoxed before the latest charity fundraiser.
2. A hint of the pungent flop sweat that emanates from Tony Romo at clutch time.
3. That sweet aroma that hits Deer Park when the wind is blowing from the refineries.
4. Barbecue. Lots of smoky barbecue, the kind that lingers in your clothes for hours.
5. The most rare fragrance of all: the smell of Carlos Lee's sweat on those rare occasions he creates it.
6. The heady bouquet that comes from the exclusive French wines served at UT tailgaters.
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7. And a whiff of the just-runny-enough Brie served there, too.
8. Drank. Szzyrup. Whatever they're calling it now, you need to have this.
9. Just a hint of Rick Perry's hairspray.
10. Bug spray. Just to make the stuff at least a little bit useful.