Put down that McDonald's Happy Meal!! It's killing you!!
Not because it's fast food -- that's a slow death, sure, but it's only for this lifetime. That meal is actually killing you FOR ETERNITY, banishing you to the foetid, burning swamps of hell, where Satan forces you to listen to Miley Cyrus 24/7.
How do we know this? Simple. Some of the leading religious authorities of our time have determined that McDonalds loves teh gheyz.
That's right. Ronald McDonald is encouraging hot, sweaty man-on-man sex. Lesbian stuff too, probably.
Fortunately, some strong leaders are taking a stand.
They're holding a press conference near McDonald's HQ in Illinois tomorrow.
We here in Houston love our McDonalds, to be sure. The love affair is a big part of why we annually challenge San Antonio and Milwaukee for the title of America's Fattest City.
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But McDonalds has somehow chosen to join the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. Perhaps they just signed the papers without looking too closely at the group's title, perhaps they were double-talked into it by some clean-cut guy quoting lyrics from Gypsy, but these religious experts are taking no chances.
Matthew Staver, dean of the Liberty University School of Law, says "McDonalds' personal attack against those who support the traditional definition of marriage, while siding with a narrow group that promotes a radical redefinition, shows that company executives are out to lunch. McDonalds might as well change their signs to read 'billions and billions insulted.'"
All you people who know God hates fags, stop going to McDonalds as of tomorrow. As for all you gays and lesbians hoping to support the company...good luck. Maybe a salad?
-- Richard Connelly