Brigitte Gabriel, Koran Hater: Check Out the Bible, Woman

Fans of fearmongering nutjobs must've creamed their pants over the New York Times' profile of Brigitte Gabriel, a self-described expert on global terrorism, and user of words like "Islamonazism."

Gabriel is the founder of Act! for America and author of They Must Be Stopped, which explains why the fairy tales in the Koran are inherently evil, unlike the fairy tales in the Bible or other religious books. But if you haven't had a chance to skim through the Koran, you will in September, when Gabriel plans on celebrating "Open-a-Koran Day," where Act! members will hunker down in front of "post offices, libraries, churches and synagogues and hand out leaflets selectively highlighting verses that appear to advocate violence, slavery and subjugation of women."

What, no incest? Well, either way, Hair Balls will be there, because there's nothing that we like better than a raunchy story. That's why we're big fans of the Bible (especially the Old Testament) and are eagerly looking forward to "Open a Bible Day" -- we even cobbled together some suggestions! (We cobbled them together after saying our morning Jewish prayer thanking God for not making us female or gentile. Amen, brother!).

1. Genesis 19: In order to save two angels, Lot offers his virgin daughters up to an angry crowd, so they can be gang-raped. Or, in biblical parlance, "gang-knowed." (Later, the daughters get the old man drunk and fuck him. Remember: This shit is taught in Sunday school).

2. Exodus 32: While Moses was at the top of Krakatoa or whatever mountain that was, chewing the fat with God, the Hebrews got impatient and for some reason decided to make, and pray to, a cow of gold. God didn't like this, so he ordered the Levites to slay about 1,000 of them. The moral of the story: God -- the Jewish/Christian one -- will maybe have you killed if you decide to pray to something else.

3. Numbers 31: Ever hear of the Midianites? Ever meet a dude who says he's a Midianite? That's probably because the Israelites, under orders from God, slaughtered the shit out of them. Well, slaughtered the shit out of men, children and any woman who ever had sex, anyway. The soldiers got to keep the virgin women. Sucks for the Midianites that they weren't the Chosen People.

4. Jeremiah 19: God orders Jeremiah to tell the infidels in Topheth that if they don't start heeding His word, He'll rename their town "The Valley of Slaughter" (much to the dismay of the Greater Topheth Chamber of Commerce) and turn them into cannibals.

That's just a smattering of the violence to infidels and subjugation of women we like to read in the Bible. And we're totally sure we took nothing out of context, or misinterpreted anything, or mistook a parable for a commandment, because, if there's one thing we've learned, it's that ancient religious scriptures are clearly written in a modern vernacular that everyone understands, are totally not open to interpretation and not susceptible to cherrypicking.

Besides, we're experts in global terrorism, so you can totally trust us.

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