Brown Trial: Please, for the Love of God, Make the Lameness Go Away

"I saw him chasing my mom," Michael Brown's 13-year-old stepdaughter told the jury in today's excruciatingly dull and pointless edition of the ex-hand surgeon's assault trial.

Brown showed no emotion (just as he's done throughout this ordeal) as the girl testified in a very soft voice that she saw him twist Rachel Brown's arm on August 13, 2010. We're pretty sure that, so far, the 8th-grader possessed the most decency of anyone who's taken the stand so far. And fortunately, she wasn't on the stand for long. She was the last "new" witness the state called.

What followed were repeat performances from Rachel and bodyguard Brian Payne; Rachel was called by the defense (outside the presence of the jury) in an astonishingly weak attempt to get her to admit that she lied about when she started seeing former Astro Jeff Bagwell. Judge Jim Wallace had already ruled the affair was inadmissible, and Rachel denied Dick DeGuerin's assertions, thus making it a double-waste of everybody's time.

In yet another rehash of Tuesday's testimony, DeGuerin brought up an affidavit of non-prosecution Rachel signed after the incident, in which she stated that she wanted the charges to be dropped. Rachel again denied that she ever wanted the charges to be dropped.

Not wanting to be outdone in this department, prosecutor Jane Waters called bodyguard Payne to grill him about alleged discrepancies between statements he gave to a detective and an incident report he wrote for his boss.

But just who produced the most worthless, repetitious, inane -- someone hand us a thesaurus -- testimony is a toss-up: DeGuerin called Debbie Festari, a friend of the Browns, to the stand in an attempt to get her to say that Rachel told her on Tuesday that she wanted the charges to be dropped. Festari ultimately stated that she'd been out with friends and was a bit tipsy when DeGuerin called her (he recorded the call, something he's been giving Rachel shit about for days) and she may have been dishonest with him. Why the jurors didn't immediately rise to their feet and unanimously exclaim that this was the smoking gun proving that Rachel is a lying harridan is beyond our mortal understanding.

But we were also shocked that Waters kept former Brown security guard Abel Rivera on the stand long after he testified that the incident in question was so trivial to him that he had almost forgotten it completely when he was subpoenaed.

"She kept on provoking him," Rivera said of the confrontation between Rachel and Brown. "....To me, it was like a husband and wife argument."

The day crawled down Cahuenga on a pair of broken legs with the testimony of Rachel's psychiatrist; DeGuerin wanted her to explain Rachel's diagnosis of panic disorder, and how freaking nuts that makes Rachel.

Best as we can tell, this is one of the defense's two prongs: Rachel has panic attacks, and therefore must have exaggerated -- or fabricated -- the events of that day. The other prong is: She doesn't even want Brown prosecuted, so why should the state?

DeGuerin teaches a college course on Fridays, so the trial will resume on Monday.

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