Never let it be said that I don't provide as many varied services to Texans fans as I possibly can. Many of you look to me for analysis (sorry), prognostication (double sorry, lately), and a little but of humor (no apology there, I'm a funny mofo when I'm motivated). But I can also provide the random ancillary service like travel advice. I am versatile! BILL O'BRIEN LOVES ME!
On that travel tip, go ahead and take a look at the Texans schedule. There are some intriguing road trips later this season. There's an Atlanta trip in a couple weeks, there are back-to-back weekends in Florida in late October (Miami and Jacksonville), and there's a Monday night in Cincinnati in November. Then there's December. Check out that trip to Buffalo on December 5.
Many of you are probably saying "Buffalo, in December? No thanks!" And I get that, Buffalo is probably a miserable place between the months of October and March (and only slightly less miserable the other six months of the year). But cold weather football is pretty sweet, and if you're going to road trip to Buffalo for football purposes (as if there are other purposes to road trip to Buffalo), why not go in the winter and see how the natives live?
Which brings me to the topic at hand…the natives of Buffalo. Ironically, it's not so much the weather for which you need a warning label. I mean, we all know it's colder than a witch's right boob in Buffalo in December. It's the native Buffalo-ians that you need to be wary of. I'll tell you why.
There are the legendary stories of Buffalo Bills fans giving impromptu proctological exams to their girlfriends in the stands, a sketchy tradition that began last season, and apparently continues this season. (The pictures push the boundaries of NSFW, so I won't post them here, but as you can see, I've given you the links if you dare to go there.) So if you're making the trip, either beware or get kinky. Up to you.
Beyond that, here is what I can share with you about the Buffalo natives thus far this season. Apparently, they really enjoy drinking their beer, which makes them American more than anything else. What distinguishes the Buffalo folk is what they like to do after they drink their beer (aside from finger banging their significant other in the stands). There are some Buffalo-ians that enjoy drinking their beer from inside a plastic bat, spinning around several times, and slamming their faces into the front of a bus….
And there are others who enjoy getting gone-zo polluted and performing WWE finishing moves (poorly) on inanimate objects dressed up like the opposing team's quarterback….
So to review, traveling Texan fans, if you decide to make the trip to Buffalo in December, remember this:
1. Digital manipulation of your partner's private areas is not only legal, but encouraged.
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SHOW ME HOW
2. If you want to blend in at tailgates outside the stadium, get blotto wasted, and then either smash your face into a stationary vehicle and/or attempt to knock out a glorified mannequin with a WWE finishing move.
3. These Buffalo folks have accepted Mario Williams like he was never accepted here in Houston, so don't be thrown off when you're around a group of people who actually admire Mario's work ethic as opposed to ridiculing it.
4. In December, Buffalo is the seventh circle of the frigid portion of hell.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanTPendergast.