Bush: The Memoir

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Bad news for all of George W. Bush's fans in his sometime hometown of Houston:

No one

wants to publish his memoirs.

Apparently, incredibly fucking up a country is not the path to literary success. Publishing-industry executives say it would perhaps be best if Bush was to wait a while before going the memoir route.

"If I were advising President Bush, given how the public feels about him right now, I think patience would probably be something that I would encourage," says Paul Bogaards, executive director of publicity for Alfred A. Knopf, which in 2004 released Bill Clinton's million-selling My Life.

We think they are wrong. Oh so wrong.

Sure, maybe no one wants to hear about how Katrina was really handled well, Wall Street deregulation was the bomb and how you can't take a stroll in Baghdad without tripping over WMDs.

The solution? Bush should concentrate on his Houston years.

The chapters he could write:

The Chateau Dijon: Heaven On Earth In this chapter, Bush examines his time as a bachelor at the "swinging" apartment complex near the Galleria, the Chateau Dijon. He is at first disappointed to find there are no "French chicks" there, despite the name, but by numbing himself with booze, pot and coke he comes to realize getting laid by Southwest Airline stewardesses and overgrown sorority sisters is an accepatble substitute.

Mano-a-Mano With A Geezer Here Bush addresses the famous Houston night when he drunkenly barreled his car up the front lawn of his parents' house and then challenged his father to a fistfight. Because nothing says "macho" like taking on a 50-year-old guy who would eventually be labeled a "wimp" by the mainstream media.

A Time To Heal: My Work In The Ghetto In a move that had nothing -- absolutely nothing -- to do with any arrests, or drug-related police unpleasantness, or really anything but a heretofore well-hidden open heart for the less well-off, Bush heads to Houston's poorer neighborhoods to do community service. Not "community service" in the sense of any court-mandated sentences, though. Just "community service" in the sense of someone doing something for a brief time that he has never shown the slightest indication before or since of ever wanting to do.

Protecting Our Nation's Skies This chapter describes Bush's service in the Air National Guard. It is very brief, and mainly deals (for some reason) with how a stupid bunch of bureaucrats put in a bunch of stupid rules saying how pilots had to all of a sudden take drug tests, and how stupid that was and why it made it difficult to show up for the rest of his stint.

-- Richard Connelly

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