By The Time You Read This, Jennifer Aniston Could Be Dead

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By the time you read this, Jennifer Aniston could be dead. Although I suppose it could just as likely end with Angelina on the floor. After all, she’s the one who stole Jen’s pretty boy, so shouldn’t


be the one looking out for Jen’s right hook?

For those of you who think I’ve gone off an even deeper end than usual, let me clue you in. I’m talking about the pre-Oscar bash that will be co-hosted today by several of the hottest celebs in town (did I just type “hottest celebs”???…gag me). Anyway, the annual Night Before party will be attended by all three points of the Bermuda Triangle of Celebrity Love and Gossip: Brad, his former wife Jen, and his current baby mama Angie. So of course all the tabs are in a tizzy over what is sure to be a crazy ass showdown between the two ladies.

But you know, something tells me that all the hullabaloo is for nothing. Honestly, isn’t it high time we stopped portraying Jen as “so lonely” and “39” and “unmarried” and “childless”? For God’s sake, the woman is a multimillionaire, has a decent career, and is able to walk the streets unburdened by the weight of some orphan of color hanging on to her hip all the dang time. Do we honestly think she’s going to run, tear-stained and frantic, toward Angelina and go street tough nuts for stealing her man?

And even if that did occur, do we really believe that the Goddess of World Peace Ms. Jolie is going to get all crazy all up in this joint and have some kind of beat down of Jennifer Aniston while George Clooney and Jamie Foxx stand off to the side collecting bets on who wins? As hilarious as that might be to witness, somehow I doubt it.

I have a feeling that Jen is just fine, thank you, and that Angie and Brad are just fine, thank you, and that the three of them will probably share a smooth, “Hello, and how are you?” while munching on canapés or whatever the Hell them fancy Hollywood types snack on at their pre-Oscar bashes. So as much as some of you out there wouldn’t mind watching a little Jen and Angie girl-on-girl action Russ Meyers style, I have a feeling that by the time you finish reading this, Jen and Angie will be very much alive and well. – Jennifer Mathieu

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