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No. Just...NO!EXPAND
No. Just...NO!
Photo by slgkgc

Cash Money: Does Anyone Miss It?

Since the coronavirus outbreak, all of us have been forced to make some changes to our daily lives. Things like masks, once reserved for Halloween or that creepy Eyes Wide Shut-themed party your neighbor invited you to that one time, are now commonplace. Hand sanitizer and disinfectant wipes are in high demand. You may have even found yourself cleaning your phone for the first time perhaps ever, which is kinda gross considering where you use that thing.

Basically, we've all had to figure out new techniques for living safely during a pandemic. It's been an adjustment. And it brought up a question the other day: Do you miss cash?

One of the recommendations from doctors and scientists is to wash your hands, constantly, feverishly and without mercy. Transfer of the virus can happen from just about any surface and while the risk of contracting the illness from that package of Oreos may be very low, we see you wiping it down with that Clorox wipe like your life literally depends on it.

So, if you think a cookie bag could be loaded with virus, how do you feel about that fiver floating around in your pocket? Studies have found that paper money carries all sorts of bacteria and fecal matter. Some 80 percent have traces of cocaine...but not enough to get you high, freak. Bottom line: Money is nasty.

Many establishments have gone to a credit card-only model. It makes sense. If all you need to do is put a card in a slot, punch in some numbers and, boom, groceries, that seems a lot safer for everyone. Yes, you should totally slather your hands with sanitizer when you leave the store (that's a given), but the safety for the person accepting the money and for you, who probably needs to get change, makes it worth it.

And, honestly, we don't miss it. Holding onto cash seems like a thing of the past when we can just click a few buttons on a phone and magically send money to anyone for any reason including some services you'd probably rather not see on a credit card statement. We bet even your favorite adult entertainment will begin taking Venmo any day now, pervert.

Plus, you have to make sure bills aren't in your pockets before the wash. The only real advantage to dollar bills is to wave them in the face of your enemies or to randomly find a twenty when you pull out that jacket you haven't worn since February, making you like a lucky bastard.

Don't get us started on coins. My God, is there a more annoying thing than walking around with a bunch of coins jangling around in your pocket? Particularly if that jangling happens to include pennies. If the penny we get at the store isn't a rare coin worth like $100, how much worth does it actually have...besides the one cent?

There was a movement to do away with pennies, but how could then something be advertised as $1.99? OMG, it's less than two dollars by a whole penny! Does anyone fall for that?

Lots of things are bound to change regarding our behavior and the basic rules of safety and decency even after we find a cure for this thing. We certainly don't think we'll ever go without hand sanitizer again. If we were in charge, we would absolutely re-think currency going forward. We aren't interested in holding any more gross, drug-addled bills.

And the penny should be outlawed. Having one in your possession should constitute a fine.

Payable only with a card.

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