I love NBA basketball, but I'll be the first to admit that I am oftentimes more compelled by what goes on after the games -- in the press conferences, in the locker room, on the set of TNT -- than I am in the games themselves. I'm the guy who is rooting against LeBron not because I hate him, but because the world becomes a far more boring place if he wins a title.
I like NBA basketball but I love awkward trash talk, bad outfits, shitty fashion statements and barely coherent rambling. This is who I am, unabashedly and unapologetically.
So when it comes time for me to break down what happened in a pivotal playoff game like Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Heat and the Celtics, you'll have to grant me at least one post where I can analyze the activities after the final horn as opposed to the series-changing events leading up to it.
And this is that post.
The postgame fun Tuesday night started with the obligatory postgame interview between Doris Burke and the best player from the winning team, in this case future Hall of Famer Kevin Garnett, who was splendid all night long, scoring 26 points and grabbing 11 rebounds. Before the season (hell, during the season), there were many naysayers out there downgrading KG, saying he had nothing left in the tank. Well, KG used the platform of the Game 5 postgame interview to make a statement to all of you haters (comes at about the 0:17 mark in response to Burke's "What fuels you?" question):
I'm not going to lie, I was one of those naysayers doubting Garnett (not his resolve as much as his physical wherewithal) and I was completely petrified when he looked into the camera during that answer. It was like he was speaking directly to me, like he was ready to reach through my television screen and flick my eyeballs from their sockets with his two thumbs before chewing off my face like a crazed zombie on bath salts.
I'm not afraid to admit that I went over and locked the dead bolt on my front door. Just in case....
....I mean, you can never be too safe.
While KG was busy scaring the living shit out of me in his interview, the Heat were leaving the floor and the Heat fans were letting them know exactly what they thought of their team's wretched performance; they did so in the only way that Heat fans know how -- by casually and silently leaving the building and walking to their cars. All except one voice, a faint zephyr of encouragement amidst a hurricane of apathy. I'm talking about "Good Job, Good Effort" Kid! (His voice appears in this video at about the 0:08 mark.)
"Good Job, Good Effort" Kid LOVES him some sub-30 percent three-point shooting and lackadaisical defense. He LOVES him some Miami Heat! I'll let my Twitter followers do the heavy lifting on other items/ideas/efforts that "Good Job, Good Effort" Kid is particularly fond of:
I. Salas (@isalas) -- T. O. #goodjobgoodeffort
Mike (@mikeinparma) -- Warden Norton's money laundering scheme #GoodJobGoodEffort
The Funke Monkey (@TheFunkeMonkey) -- Bobby Petrino's motorcycle brakes #GoodJobGoodEffort
Cody Carr (@Codeine_CCC) -- The Iraqi Army in Desert Storm #GoodJobGoodEffort
c. neal lacroix (@cneallacroix) -- Darth Vader's parenting skills #GoodJobGoodEffort
c. neal lacroix (@cneallacroix) -- Michael Jackson's doctor #GoodJobGoodEffort
c. neal lacroix (@cneallacroix) -- Britney Spears' panties #GoodJobGoodEffort
(SP: Neal really had the hang of this exercise...)
Brock Eller (@cackman17) -- The Office since Jim and Pam got married #GoodJobGoodEffort
Your Mom's Fav Son (@The_Jermaine) -- HD DVDs & Betas #GoodJobGoodEffort
Cristina (@PinkValkyrie) -- Jacoby Jones #GoodJobGoodEffort
Clay Elkins (@Clay_Elkins) -- America Online #GoodJobGoodEffort
Jeff E (@jeff13164) -- The Chevy Chase Show #goodjobgoodeffort
The Mark Up (@themarkup) -- Oprah Winfrey Network #goodjobgoodeffort
Tyson Moseley (@TyMo214) -- Girls asking "you swear you'll never show it to anyone?" before making a home made sex tape. #GoodJobGoodEffort
Chris_in_VanBC (@Chris_in_VanBC) -- Vancouver after they lose the Stanley Cup Final. #GoodJobGoodEffort #riots
Jason (@qtab) -- Caucasians dancing #GoodJobGoodEffort
Erich Gros (@SomeGuyInHTown) -- Greg Oden's ex-girlfriend's next boyfriend. #GoodJobGoodEffort
And by far the most evil submission whose inclusion probably fast tracks me straight to hell....
Magic 1 (@magic_uno) -- Eazy-E's immune system #goodjobgoodeffort
As penance for including that swipe at Eazy-E, I'll include a personal crack on me as well...
Amy Zann (@amyzann) -- Your Hairline #GoodJobGoodEffort
Okay, so clearly, if "Good Job, Good Effort" Kid was enthralled with the performance of the Heat on the court on Tuesday night, then he had to be thrilled with Dwyane Wade's facial decoration in his postgame interview at his locker. The "fake plastic spectacle rims with no lenses" is as strong a play as the numerous clanked jumpers that the Heat chucked up down the stretch of that game.
Many of you were offended by the hipster/douchebag ramifications of Wade's fashion statement. Me? I just think it's plain mean. After all, there are millions of us who have dealt with deficient vision for years due to nearsightedness, farsightedness, astigmatism, glaucoma or getting punched in the face repeatedly by Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago.
So what Dwyane Wade is telling all of us "non seeing clearly" people is "Fuck you, I revel in your handicap! Your flaws are my fashion, BITCH!" So again, I take to Twitter to have a few of you surmise what other mocking gestures D-Wade is capable of:
Naim Sharif (@Naim_Sharif) -- I didn't have as big a problem with the glasses as I did with D-Wade checking his blood sugar level post game #notdiabetic
Only A Bill (@rights_of_bill) -- Wade is looking into fake inhalers that have helium for post game 6
Missing Neagli (@CrapSandviche) -- Wade needs to go full on Kane throat box in interview
Only A Bill (@rights_of_bill) -- D-Wade plans to flaunt next time by wearing an iron lung while twirling the cord not plugged in
The Russian Bear (@TheRussian_Bear) -- D. Wade's next costume will probably be Polio crutches #offensive #hack
Only A Bill (@rights_of_bill) -- Wade's next step is a neckbrace for postgame apparel which will backfire when Mike Brady slams a briefcase on the ground
Yeah, I would say @rights_of_bill had the hang of that one.
Good job, good effort, all of you! (No, I actually mean it...good job, good effort!)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.