Charlie Sheen's Astrology Chart: Five Disturbing Highlights That Explain It All

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Charlie Sheen, high on a drug called him, has been analyzed every which way during his recent series of nuclear meltdowns.

But the answer to his tiger-blood behavior may lie in the stars. It couldn't hurt to ask, at any rate.

So we had our favorite astrologer (our only astrologer, to be precise), Houston's Figgy Jones, examine Charlie's chart and figure out what the hell is going on. She's still recovering from the experience, but passed on the following:

5. He's got the moon of a slut. We don't necessarily mean he moons people like a slut, although he'd be in a lot less trouble if that's all he did. Charlie (a.k.a. Carlos Irwin Estevez) was born September 3, 1965, at 10:48 pm in NYC. You don't have to be an astrologer, making 43 cents a day, to snap to the fact that he's a Virgo, and aren't all Virgos anal-retentive, humble, meek servants? Not when their moon is in Sagittarius, in the eighth house, no less! Moon in Sag has to taste everything (literally), travel everywhere, soak it all in. In other words: has an eye for the "strange," as some barhounds put it. Sound bite for the eighth house? Everyone has one, but one def is "life-changing sex," and that's what we're going with here.

4. In fact, Charlie's entire belief system hinges upon "life-changing 'strange.'" Jupiter, the planet that symbolizes our higher philosophy, is hooked up (heh heh -- she said "hooked up") with the moon in a permanent dance. Jupiter, which connotes largeness and abundance (think Santa Claus) is in the second house of the ability to attract; to earn, and because Charlie's made the crazy money, he can buy as much strange as he wants. It's his God-given right. Every day is Christmas for him, sexually speaking. (Uh, don't unwrap that one, Charlie. It's ticking like it's got chlamydia.)

3. Further, Charlie feels deep down (heh heh -- there she goes again) that "doing" (heh heh, oh never mind, you get it) the above two will heal him and ground him in this life. He's got indications that doing what could kill him will only make him stronger. And why not? He's got to exercise his talons of fury, or whatever he was babbling about. Astrologese: His Chiron - an important asteroid that represents our deepest wound is bound up (don't go there) with his Saturn, and they are in a challenging aspect called a t-square with his moon and Jupiter. 2. His poor little Virgo Sun does not have a chance. A Virgo is here to serve, but because his is connected with the complex stew we've described above, and smothered in his fifth house by the planets of sudden change (Uranus) and sweeping transformation (Pluto), the only way we see it appear is through his constant need for attention and lust. 1. Charlie's destiny is to be duplicitous, in a big way. He's not only got an ascendant -- how the world sees one -- in Gemini, but also, his destiny point and Jupiter in the sign of the Twins. And you know what they say about Geminis: two-faced and love to dish. Just because it's an old wives' tale doesn't mean it's not true. One of the trashiest-talking people I know is a Gemini...and a Mormon. See the capacity for two sides there? Charlie's taking the low road on this one, jabbering away to any audience who'll listen about his twisted formula for relationships. Purely defined, that capacity for portraying multiple facets could create a great actor. If they take Viagra off the market, maybe that'll help reduce Charlie's outside distractions, ruled by the pull of his eighth house moon in Sag -- but that force is so strong they might as well try and stop the moon's hold on the Earth's tides.

Makes perfect sense to us, but then again, we're mainlining a Charlie-Sheen-and-tiger-blood cocktail. It's called "winning."

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