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Cheerleader Calendar Season Begins: Do's And Don'ts

If it's November, it must be time for professional sports teams to start pimping cheerleader calendars.

The Houston Texans cheerleaders are doing a promo tonight to launch sales of the 2010 calendar. The Texans calendars are not exactly known for their raciness, as befits the "good guy" philosophy of the team that has led to so many championships.

Here's a shot from last year's calendar:

A perfectly nice-looking woman. And, if you look real closely, you may discern a belly button.

There are many ways of putting together the cheerleader calendar; some succeed, some make you scratch your head. (As opposed, we guess, to scratching or touching other parts of yourself.)

Here's a sample -- with analysis, so it's just not blatant click-whoring.

This, according to www.redskinsrule.com, is from last year's Washington Redskins calendar shoot. In it, a woman gives herself a breast exam while flagellating herself for her sins, such as encouraging fans to believe in Jim Zorn as a head coach. She has a noticeable tan line where her top's missing, so you know she's basically a good girl. We kind of like the inclusion of the industrial-looking boats in the background, just to give a blue-collar feel to the enterprise. It was probably shot on the Baltimore docks.

That is one happy-looking dolphin. And, thanks to his side-array eyes, he's staring pretty meaningfully into this woman's crotch. "They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning / No one you see / Be more playah than he..." Teams we don't need to see adopt the literal use of their mascots: Green Bay Packers, San Diego Padres, Washington Redskins and the Toronto Raptors.

You know, sometimes the eyeblack looks cute. And sometimes it just looks like the wake of a domestic-disturbance call. Especially if you're making a fist yourself. Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League, learn this lesson, please.

If you're going to play up a lesbian angle, try to be subtle. We're one second away from rug-bumping here. Or maybe it's a completely candid shot, and blondie was just responding to Miss Brunette's "Is there something in my eye? And does my breast feel funny?" when the cameraman shouted "Hey!! Look this way!! And make it sultry!!"

The Philadelphia Eagles care about Mother Earth. Although if they wanted lonely men to think about wind power, they probably would have been better off picking someone bustier than Devan. Supporting the environment also, apparently, involves kneeling in yucky brown water that looks like China's Yellow River just downstream from a plastics factory.

The Cowboys do proclaim themselves to be "America's Team," so we guess that includes marketing themselves to the Amish and burqa wearers. We're trying to figure out how this woman could show less skin, and we're coming up short. Bare midriff? Cover it with those pom poms. Some upper thigh exposed? Slap the calendar logo over it, stat. We've seen nuns less-dressed than this. (And yes, we're still scarred.)

Football teams: Even in these tough economic times, do not try to cut corners by going to Glamour Shots for your calendars.

Using freelance Maxim photographers, on the other hand, is completely acceptable. If you look closely at this woman's butt (and we have, because come on you can't avoid it), you'll note this shot is for December. Merry thoughts of anal, Santa!!!!

The Arizona Cardinals are another team that believes in subtlety, if by "subtlety" you mean a woman masturbating.

"Hey hubby -- Want to go swimming?"

"Um, you're wearing long pants, babe."

"Oh, but I have a swimsuit on


them!! Ooops, no I don't."

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We have never understood the holding-the-cowboy-hat move being made here, but it seems to be a staple of fashion shots. To us it looks less like she's riding a bronc than it is she's saying "This goes here, right?"

The world's cheesiest sports logo, put to good use. This has got to be the most fresh-faced, innocent-looking pro-team dancer on any calendar. Which probably means she runs through hapless big-bucks corportate-attorney boyfriends like Kleenex. As they ply her with more and more Jimmy Choos and Ferraris, they tell themselves at least they're not losers like those scammed guys dating gentlemen's-club dancers.

To finish, here's another Texans cheerleader. Lounging casually in a bikini near a bench in Kemah, because the Kemah boardwalk is full of hot blondes wearing bikinis, and not lumpy suburbanites toting screaming kids around overpriced attractions.

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