Chelsea Clinton's Wedding: Five Reasons We Won't Be Attending, Thank You Very Much

Frankly, when June ends we breathe a sigh of relief. No more weddings, we think. And even more: No more having to turn down invitations to weddings at Vail, Santa Fe, St. Bart's or all those New York suburbs. It can be devastating listening to someone plead for you to come, that the ceremony will be a complete nothing without our presence, but we can't be in two places at once.

We simply can't.

We've told as much to Bill and Hillary (and Chelsea, certainement), even if they delayed their wedding til July in hopes of catching an opening in our schedule.

The fact they haven't responded to our news is evidence of just how hard they're taking it. If they had called, as we asked, to allow us to explain, we would have offered five very good reasons:

1. We have tickets to the Astros-Brewers game Saturday night.
The Astros are only five games behind the Brewers in the battle for third place in the NL Central. We're sure Chelsea would understand.

2. Neither Southwest nor JetBlue had good deals.
Clintons, we love ya, but have you seen what Continental is charging for an extra bag? It's unconscionable. And a quick Google search revealed no Motel 6's near Rhinebeck.

3. We could not find you registered anywhere.
Heaven forfend we show up without a gift, but a search of the online registries at Target and J.C. Penney came up completely empty. Perhaps we were searching wrong -- that groom's name is a trifle ethnic, you must admit.

4. We've been reading the news voraciously, but can find no confirmation that hors d'ouevres will include cocktail wienies.
That's a dealbreaker for us, as -- not to put too fine a point on it -- is well-known among all the best people.

5. We had hoped for more of a "Lady Gaga" theme to the event.
It's supposed to be a fun occasion, right? Instead you're going with Vera Wang or de la Renta? Sorry, the whole thing just doesn't sound new enough for us.

Avec regrettes, etc., etc.....

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