College Football Preview, Ashley Judd Edition

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The start of the college football season always reminds me of Ashley Judd movies. Or rather, of the trailers for Ashley Judd movies. I love Ashley Judd, and I spend way too much money to see her movies, because most of the time, her movies are awful. Now what’s that got to do with college football? Simple. The first week of college football is like the preview of an Ashley Judd movie. You get all excited. You say this looks great. Then you go to the movie and you’re stuck watching

Double Jeopardy

. That’s because, generally, there aren’t any good games on the opening weekend of college football. This is the weekend when all of the college powers schedule powder puff teams.

It’s generally not fun.

So I thought I would open this college season with a quick preview of this weekend’s games. And so as to make it that much better, I’ll link the games to Ashley Judd movies so that you’re better aware of which games will be clunkers and which games will be box office successes.

THE SOMEONE LIKE YOU GAMES OF THE WEEKEND: This is for the games which are generally worthless, but have one moment of redeeming quality, like Ashley Judd doing a quick cheerleader routine in a her underpants.

For instance, there’s tonight’s ESPN national game, SMU visiting Rice. Both teams sucked last year, but you should see some high-powered offenses, lots of scoring, and June Jones coaching in something besides a Hawaiian shirt. Saturday evening brings Southern visiting the University of Houston. The Cougars have many returning players, but a new coach. Southern really shouldn’t provide much of a contest, but this should be a chance for the Coogs to get everyone some playing time.

THE BUG WILL SURPRISE GAMES OF THE WEEKEND: This is for the games that will otherwise just fall by the wayside, but if you take the time to watch, you will be pleasantly surprised, like with Bug, where Ashley Judd played a paranoid psycho, then got naked at the end.

So I suggest you try and find Utah visiting Michigan, if you can. I’ve got Utah in my preseason Top 25. And Michigan is a disaster waiting to happen, even with new coach Rich Rodriguez trying to right the sinking Titanic that is the Michigan football program. To many people this will be an upset. But I’m calling this game for Utah now. You might also want to see if you can track down Appalachian State visiting LSU. LSU should win this game in a cakewalk, but for those with short memories, Appalachian States pulled off one of the biggest upsets in college football history when it beat Michigan last season.

THE KISS THE GIRLS SURPRISINGLY EFFECTIVE THRILLER GAMES OF THE WEEKEND: Sure it looks like a bad thriller based on a mediocre book, but this game just might be surprisingly good – though don’t be looking for a Morgan Freeman appearance.

Might I suggest TCU versus New Mexico. TCU is another team I have in my preseason Top 25, and many might forget about the Horned Frogs because of how they screwed up at the start of last season. But I think TCU wants to make a point, so give this one a shot. I might also suggest Hawaii flying across the Pacific, then flying across the country to play a game at Florida. Florida has the reigning Heisman winner in Tim Tebow, but they’ve been beset by injuries. Hawaii lost a lot of last year’s team, including the coach, but Hawaii might still be able to spring a surprise.

THE SIMON BIRCH SMALL GAME OF THE WEEK: This is for that game that generally only those who went to the school game care about. And as Ms. Judd showed in Simon Birch, no one, no matter how small, should be forgotten. So I give you the Labor Day Classic at 7:00 Saturday night inside Reliant Stadium featuring TSU versus Prairie View. This game is always a fun experience, even if the actual game is a dud. Go just for the halftime show.

THE HEAT BEST GAMES OF THE WEEKEND: Sure, there are a lot of creampuff games this weekend, but there are some winners out there that should be watched. At 7:00 on Saturday night comes (24) Alabama versus (9) Clemson. Nick Saban is trying to restore Bama to glory before he bails out again, but Clemson is seeking to become a permanent national player. This game may possibly end up being the key to a BCS bowl for both of these teams.

And (20) Illinois is visiting (6) Missouri. If you think the Big Ten is the most overrated conference in football, as I do, then you should thoroughly enjoy this dismantling of the Illini by the Missouri Tigers, which starts at 7:30 on Saturday night. And if you’re still in the football mood, then try (18) Tennessee taking on UCLA on Monday night.

THE TWISTED WORST GAMES OF THE WEEKEND: These games are like Twisted, which are so bad that, even though Ashley Judd’s the star, you just can’t make yourself watch. That’s right, I’m talking to you (11) Texas playing Florida Atlantic, (12) Texas Tech playing Eastern Washington, and (4) Oklahoma playing Chattanooga.

THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER GAME OF THE WEEKEND: This is for the worst game of the weekend. It’s the equivalent of that movie where even though Ashley Judd gets naked on multiple occasions, it’s just god awful. And this week’s winner: Arkansas State at Texas A&M.

-- John Royal

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