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Keep Houston Press Free
4

Confused Wade Phillips Is Confused

Something occurred to me the other day as I was reading the sports ticker announcing that our own Houston Texans were hiring Wade Phillips as the new defensive coordinator and, in fact, keeping Gary Kubiak as head coach, in the face of a wave of anti-Kubiak gnashing of teeth.

Have you ever had a friend that was going through a rough patch in their relationship and you spent all night with them drinking and complaining about how awful their soon-to-be ex was? You reveled in the thought that they would be gone soon, and you could all start fresh with someone new, someone who liked to yell and scream and had a cool mustache.

And then they kept that boyfriend or girlfriend and you had to sit there and listen to how wrong you were and that things were going to work out and by the way, here's their best friend from Dallas who wants to meet you. He's a little confused all the time, but you could probably make out with him if you tried.

Wade always looks confused, with an almost children's book-style befuddlement. Or when you hide your face from a child and they think you disappeared and they look sad, but then you reappear again and everyone giggles and shakes.

NuvaRing Of course Wade, it confused me at first, too. It doesn't go where you think.

The Three Seashells In Demolition Man Even I'm not sure, and it's been 17 years since the movie came out. \

NASA What? Like computers and stuff?

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Sarah Palin But why did she quit being the governor? Did she do something wrong?

Old NASA How did NASA get us to the Moon with cumulative technology available on an iPhone?

Stephen Hawking How does he do all that math sitting in that chair of his? And where did he learn ventriloquism?

Math What's with that anyway?

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