It's hard not to like The Onion. Any organization that spends its entire existence lampooning news, politics, sports and anything else that makes headlines is pretty damn awesome. Unfortunately, this week, the Texans were in their crosshairs. It's understandable considering the rough way yet another season of hope and promise came to an end.
In typical Onion fashion, the humor Web site killed the team by joking, "Gary Kubiak Congratulates Houston Texans On Yet Another Houston Texans Season" in the headline. The joke follows that the Texans got patted on the back by their head coach for simply having yet another year of playing football.
"I know some of you are still disappointed, but no matter what, we can hold our heads high for putting together back-to-back Texans seasons," said Kubiak, adding that after winning 11 of their first 13 games, the team's ability to succumb to crucial injuries, totally lose momentum, and eventually bow out of the playoffs in the divisional round made it "one of the most Houston Texans seasons in franchise history."
In an actual Kubiak moment, he probably would have said "you know" a handful of times and tapped his finger uncomfortably on the podium in front of him, but close enough. My favorite quote was:
According to team sources, Kubiak singled out quarterback Matt Schaub in particular for having the most Matt Schaub season of the nine-year veteran's career.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
They added he told the team that the finish down the stretch of the season was "a classic Houston Texans run." Ouch.