Cover Story: Are You Human or Humanoid?

You may not know this, but nearly half the world's population isn't human: they may look human, but they're another species called "humanoid." Humanoids don't have DNA like the rest of us; they have a Mobius strip that can create DNA. At least that's what a self-help organization called Access Consciousness tells us in this week's cover story. For a fee, you can wade into the Access pool of knowledge and find out which camp you fall into. If none of this made any sense to you, it's not because it's patently insane, it's because you're a stupid human, and you just won't understand.

You also wouldn't understand Access's statements about how "young children are incredibly sexy," or how your family is only any good to you if they have money. Humanoids can understand stuff like that, because they have achieved total awareness. And now Access's founder is trying to spread the humanoid message to kids.

It was difficult for the Houston Press to get humanoids on the horn, because they apparently don't like answering tough questions.

In that way, as well as its pay-to-play structure and secretive literature, it's reminiscent of Scientology. This makes sense, because founder Gary Douglas was close with some high-ranking Scientologists (they'd actually broken away from the group) and he no doubt picked up on what a great money-making machine it was. Any halfway-decent entrepreneur could just switch a few words around, and, presto, you've got a nice Scientology knockoff.

Still, in most of its 20-plus years, Access has remained on the fringes. It wasn't until former NFL player Ricky Williams got involved with Douglas, through Williams's charitable organization, that Access got some mainstream exposure. Unfortunately, the exposure wasn't that flattering to Access or Williams.

But no media outlets ever looked beyond Access's websites and into its bizarre, often troubling literature. It wasn't until an ex-Access member posted excerpts on his website, and a Texas blogger provided continuous coverage of Access events, that the truth about Access started coming out. Hence, this week's cover story, "The Humanoids."

The Press obtained copies of the manuals that Access hides from the non-paying public, as well as hours of audio and video of past Access seminars, in order to give all life-forms (human and humanoid alike) a better understanding of what Access is all about. It may be an antiquated, human notion, but we believe it's only fair that someone should be allowed to know what they're getting themselves into before they fork over thousands of dollars.

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Contributor Craig Malisow covers crooks, quacks, animal abusers, elected officials, and other assorted people for the Houston Press.
Contact: Craig Malisow