CultureMap's Most Eligible Bachelor/Bachelorette Party PR Dissected

"What do a neuroscientist, a chocolatier and a private flight attendant have in common?" asks a release from CultureMap. I know there's a punch line in there somewhere, but in this case, the line isn't a joke but a teaser for CultureMap's charity event where attendees, for $35, can bid on a "'mini' dream date" with one of Houston's allegedly most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes.

I am totally down with charity and the sale of humans for the purposes of it, but what struck me when reading over the press release information was just how far they seemed to want you to follow them when believing the dating pool in Houston is second to none and all the good ones will be auctioned off at their party.

When CultureMap decided to seek out Houston's Most Eligible Bachelors and Bachelorettes, we predictably found that there's no shortage of spectacular singles in the city.

This immediately brings to mind the bit on Seinfeld where Jerry declares that 90 to 95 percent of the population is "UNDATEABLE!" Houston, when it comes to hotness, is definitely an underrated city when compared to, for example, LA or Miami, but let's not get crazy. There may not be a shortage of spectacular singles requiring some sort of dating embargo, but judging by all the people my friends on dating sites have gone out with, I'd say we aren't exactly swimming in perfection here.

More than just attractive, these charming standouts are bright, driven, fun-loving, talented, captivating and accomplished. These 50 wonderful candidates started a new regular series, where we've highlighted more bachelor and bachelorettes over the past several months.

Let me stop you right there. You're certain you were able to round up 50 singles that are all bright, driven, fun-loving, talented, captivating, accomplished and spectacular? I'm going to call bullshit. You might get me to believe you found one who is all those things or 50 that all have elements of those things, but not all, unless you found a way to clone Bill Clinton and divorce all of them from Hillary.

I'm not saying these folks won't be wonderful people. It would not surprise me that there are 50 perfectly attractive, lovely, available people in Houston willing to offer themselves up at auction for charity, but maybe a couple less adjectives next time lest your bidders seek a refund because the guy they purchased is bright, driven, fun-loving, talented, captivating and accomplished, but falls short of spectacular.

CultureMap's Most Eligible Series will culminate into an opportunity for you to experience the hippest, sexiest, most anticipated party of the year.

Hippest, sexiest and most anticipated? Looks like someone has been reading books on how to write PR for nightclub openings in New York City. And sexiest? Really?

Is it a French accent that gets you going, or a man who works with his hands? Does the rugged football player body catch your eye, or are you more attracted to a guy who can fly?

So the list includes someone from France, a day laborer, a tackling dummy and Superman? I guess if you have the Man of Steel in the auction, I take back everything I said before because he really is bright, driven, fun-loving, talented, captivating, accomplished and, obviously, spectacular. But, he might be taken. He did, after all, spin the world backwards just to save Lois Lane.

Find out on Friday, December 21, when you can bid on a "mini" dream date with your favorite Most Eligible, and mingle with 500 of the city's most fantastic over a DJ, food, burlesque, prizes, and more.

So, this sexy, hip party filled with spectacular (you know the rest) singles will also have "500 of the city's most fantastic," what? People? Dogs? Cadaver skulls? Green beans? Christmas lights? Picture frames? Wire hangers (NO WIRE HANGERS!)? Mitsubishi Galants? Circus freaks? WHAT?!?

And might I just suggest that you are going to confuse the shit out of everyone when you say they can mingle over a DJ, food, prizes and BURLESQUE? First, how do you even logistically mingle OVER that. It's more like you would mingle near it. But, semantics aside, how does burlesque figure into this party and why? Were the bachelors and bachelorettes not sexy enough that you needed to include burlesque?

And since we're on the subject, will the burlesque performers be auctioned off as well? Because, let's be honest, that might bring in the most cash of the night.

It's all very confusing, but it's also for charity, so good luck to CultureMap, the bright, driven, fun-loving, talented, captivating, accomplished and spectacular Most Eligibles and the 500 most fantastic [fill in the blank] to attend the hippest, sexiest, most anticipated party of the year. Get out there and sell some humans!

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