Dan Shaughnessy Is Back: The Texans Have "Zero Chance" to Beat the Patriots

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Our favorite whipping boy from Boston is at it again. Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy, who called the Texans "frauds" and "tomato cans" recently, went back to work on the Texans in a column for the venerable paper again today, this time to tell us he's really sorry that we got angry about his last column but it doesn't change the fact that "they cannot win. Everyone knows this is true."

Shaughnessy is quick to point out he is trying really REALLY hard to see a possibility, a glimmer of hope for a city he likes "more than most travelers." He just wants to get along and offers the city a "no offense" before eviscerating our team one more time. Whenever you hear someone say "no offense" as a pretext to another statement, you can be fairly certain the next thing that comes out of their mouths is going to be highly offensive to you, perhaps to Planet Earth.

When Bill Parcells, as coach of the Dallas Cowboys, let loose his now infamous comparison of sneaky defensive plays to "japs" including "no disrespect for the Orientals," we're pretty sure Shaughnessy was taking notes because immediately after a dose of "I'm trying, I'm REALLY trying" nonsense and some condescending "I like Houston even though I'm one of the few" garbage, he went right back to where he was when he called the Texans "frauds."

Seriously. Have you found anyone outside the 713 area code who believes the Texans will win? Across the country, expectations for this game are minimal. Even most of the Houston fans are content to settle for "we won't get blown out this time.''

Well, besides ESPN's Adam Schefter? I'm sure there are a few. But that isn't what makes Shaughnessy's latest column so ridiculous. It's this:

That said, can't we all get along? It's only a football game.

This has been an emotional week for the good folks of Houston. They apparently felt disrespected when it was noted that the Texans are frauds who have no chance to beat the Patriots. A couple of references to "tomato cans" got everybody all excited (please don't tell them I didn't vote for Craig Biggio or Jeff Bagwell). Next thing you know, a full-blown media war broke out.

No need for that, people. Let's cease and desist with the "you're fat -- you're ugly!'' stuff. This need not be personal. I like tomato soup.

In the span of a few sentences, he managed to sarcastically shrug off personal comments and still reduce Houstonians to a bunch of sniveling whiners who can't take their medicine without reacting like children, and then manages to do the same to the Texans.

Having these wide-eyed, not-ready-for-prime-time Texans here this weekend moves the Patriots ever closer to Super Bowl XLVII Feb. 3 at the Superdome.

Yes, just little children who should be patted on the head, told "good job, good effort" by the other team, given a sno-cone and sent back to the locker room while the real adults drink whiskey, slap cheerleaders on the ass and do what men do, win goddamnit.

The truth is, Dan, you are probably right. The Texans probably don't stand a chance against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. They will probably be outmatched and outclassed in Foxboro on Sunday. We're not brainless rednecks down here in Texas, though your reference to Urban Cowboy is duly noted. We know this team has issues. You should listen to our sports radio stations.

But pardon us if we don't take kindly to some smug Boston columnist repeatedly referring to our team as frauds any more than you like being compared to Napoleon Dynamite, even if the resemblance is uncanny.

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