It's NOT Donny Osmond!
There are only five couples left by now, but rather than make the episodes shorter, the producers have just doubled the dancing, making everyone perform two individual dances this week, one ballroom and one Latin where they "dance through the decades," per the breathless intro from Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host.
Before the dancing could even start, there were more taped "interviews." Then it was almost Mya's turn, but they had to kill half a minute with footage of her and her partner riding horses to relax. What the what? That's a bad sign of how much filler will be in the show from here on out. Mya's quick-step won over the judges with a 29, which wasn't surprising; she's the odds-on favorite to take the whole contest. I say give it to her now and let us all go home. Aaron Carter did a fox trot in what looked like a silk shirt and velvet pants and vest, but only got a 23. Joanna and her partner started in the audience (WHOA CRAZY) before skipping on down to the dance floor and spinning in bland circles for a couple minutes. Honestly, at this point in the contest, unless someone drops their partner or stabs an audience member, there's not a lot to distinguish the stars' performances. She got a 23, too.
Next up was Kelly Osbourne, who's still my personal favorite, with a fox trot that nabbed a 25. Donny Osmond's Viennese waltz freaking wowed the judges and got a 26. Lady once again jumped in to remind viewers to call or text or send anthrax letters with their votes.
After that, it was basically halftime, so the pros came out to dance again. Tom's best mockery of the night was when he pointed at the pros, arrayed in a frozen tableau, and said, "They're playing Statue." When will more reality TV hosts be allowed to openly hate their shows? I say bring it on.
The second half of the episode was Latin Explosion 2009 4EVA, when all the stars did Latin dances in randomly assigned decades (1970s, early 1300s, you know), because why not. Here is what it was like:
• Mya had the 1970s. She was okay. She got a 30. (The first one of the season DO YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT?!?)
• Aaron Carter got the 1990s, the only decade he's lived in, and danced to "Two Princes." It was embarrassing. He got a damn 27!
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• Joanna didn't have a decade, just "the future." WTF? She and her guy did a dance somewhere between Darryl Hannah in Blade Runner and Mike Myers' Dieter. It was, as you have probably guessed, sad and weird. It got a 29. I officially have no idea what the judges want.
• Kelly had the 1960s, and was totally adorable, and got a 26.
• Donny had the 1980s, and was absolutely terrifying in a clownish Adam Ant get-up that nevertheless earned him a 24.
So that's where we're at for the competition half of this week. This show has become what Jack Donaghy would call a "grotesque carnival of human misery." It's a cartoon of itself. The stars just keep jumping around and hoping it looks okay to the judges. There can't really be another three weeks, right?