Dancing With the Stars: An Osmond Is Crowned

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Sunriiiiiise, sunset

Sunriiiiiise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days

You guys, I can't believe we've come so far together. We've had so many ups and downs, so much laughter and so many tears. When I began the season of Dancing With the Stars, I was but a boy, but now, I am a bitter, wizened man. I have seen things that would make warriors weep and soccer moms applaud. I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by reality TV.

Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host looked extra fancy as they introduced all the dancers, and I mean all of them. All the losers were back, like Snowboarder and Model and Dazzle Me Dreamy. Because why not? They strutted in as the band played the Black Eyed Peas' "Tonight." Quick reminder: If you like the Black Eyed Peas, you need to have a friend beat you senseless.

There was a screw-up with the taped recap, too. Live TV! Like a minute into the tape, the feed cut out and was replaced by the head of Miss Piggy, facing away from the camera. No music, no talking. Just the silence accompanying a Muppet head whose eyes you can't see. It was way too much like The Ring for me. Tom jumped in with a "Did I mention our show is live?" before tossing to a commercial. Best moment of the series?

The first performer of the night was Whitney Houston with some new single. Hahaha obligatory joke about how nuts she is. For reals though, she still makes records? She sang last night to plug her new album, so if that's your thing, well, that's your thing.

YES another wacky video about the Losers Club! People who got kicked off Dancing With the Stars on their first week! Actually, it was the same vid they ran a few weeks ago. After that, comedian Jeffrey Ross intro'd Ashley Hamilton to dance one last HILARIOUS time, and it was then that I turned to Wikipedia to learn that Ashley Hamilton was on this season of the show. I had forgotten him entirely. Not making that up.

Then the female losers from this season danced for some reason. I fast-forwarded, and I don't care.

But oh holy hell, then it was time for Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay to shine. The old crook came out and danced a rotten two-step with a stripper. Seriously, she did all the spinning and he just tried not to put his hands somewhere that'd get him kicked out. He wrapped it up with a slide that shoved his groin right into the camera and I hate everything.

Loser dude dance that was like a fight scene between Mark and Chuck. Another skipper. Seriously, this is brutal you guys. They saved the toughest slog for last. After that it was time for Adam Carolla to return for another chucklicious taped bit that made me wonder why The Man Show got canceled. The man oozes humor! Oozes!

Shit on toast. I was flabbergasted last night at the way the show killed and filled time. Every results ep was always a mix of filler and progress, but holy hell, the finale was just two hours of pre-game for a two-minute showdown. I lost count of how many taped pieces and pointless re-creations were trotted out for viewers. It was numbing.

So blah blah some scores were totaled and Donny was in first place (!), followed by Mya, then Kelly. So, good? Apparently those scores would then be added somehow to user votes.

Then why the hell not, Donny sang "Puppy Love" while Snowboarder danced. It was like being brain-raped. Things got worse (somehow) when Jerry Rice and Michael Irvin did a dance-off, wearing team colors. The NFL theme music played! Seriously I hate you America.

THEN for reasons unknown there was a number with Muppets. Yes, Dancing With the Stars actually reached back in time to ruin my childhood. Miss Piggy interviewed people. I thought I was hallucinating.

Sweet fancy Moses, finally there was some action. In third place, FOREVER: Kelly Osbourne. Yep. No surprise there, but it'd have been nice to see her go higher.

The winner, after 10 hellish weeks: Donny Osmond! WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Mya looked admittedly pretty stunned, but Donny pooed himself with joy while the Miss America song played. Ah, sweet, pointless victory.

And that was that: for the week, the month, the season. I'd like to thank those who stuck around for all 10 weeks, and also shamelessly remind you to check back daily for more TV Land blogging here at Hair Balls, and ask that you click on everything three times. Until next time, leave the dancing to the pros. Trust me.

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