A heated competition where anything's possible and the winners are usually juicing: That's right, folks, it's the seventh week of Dancing With the Stars. Let's do it!
This week saw another double-dance night -- one individual, one team -- to be followed by another double elimination. And I know I've said this for way too many weeks running, but this has to be the week Michael Irvin finally sucks so much he goes home. HAS TO BE. I have no idea how he's stuck around.
Even with all the dancing that needed to be done, the episode opened with the pros dancing just for the hell of it. Come on! At least save the shameless padding for the results show. The rules for the night: Each star would dance alone, then they'd all be split into two teams to compete for a team score, which would then be added to their individual scores and there's no way you're still reading this paragraph.
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Michael himself kicked things off with a fox trot that totally impressed the judges! He got a 23, his HIGHEST SCORE OF THE SEASON! This guy is the damn Terminator of shitty reality dancing shows. Donny did the quick step that killed, too. Mark's partner was out sick, so he used another one, but the end result was the same. He actually practiced briefly with a male dance instructor, but made a joke about not being able to dance with him on the show, which is a shame because that level of awkwardness -- not to mention forcing the middle American moms who watch this show to live with two dudes in satin grinding hips -- would have made for better TV.
Mya did pretty well, though Len Goodman got all crankypants over her "gimmicks" and staging. Lady Co-Host told Mya she could win Len over in the team dance, and Tom Bergeron said, "And maybe hell will freeze over." DUDE. I kind of want Tom Bergeron to host everything now, including my own life story. Aaron Carter
talked danced some serious jive to a cover of Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" that was somehow a new achievement in tackiness. And he got a 29! That was all the encouragement he needed to go all Kevin Garnett and start yelling into the mic about how much he loved everyone and making generic rock squeals. It hurt to watch. Kelly Osbourne did a cute salsa that earned her a 24, so here's hoping she sticks around.
Eventually, finally, it was group dance time. Aaron, Mya, Mark, Michael were on one team doing the paso. I'll admit I'm not familiar with a lot of dances, but none of these performances ever look like classic or recognizable dances. As a group, they scored a 24. The tango team featured Joanna, Donny, and Kelly, who trotted around to "You Give Love a Bad Name" and who almost bumped into each other but ultimately avoided disaster. They won over the judges, too, earning a 28 for their group. You know what that means: On this week's elimination show, someone will die. The evening put Joanna at the top of the board, with Mark at the bottom. Two people are going home this week, too. At this point, I don't know who it will be.