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Dancing With the Stars: Gridiron or Iron Chef, Your Times Have Come

Last night was the seventh elimination round of this season's Dancing With the Stars, and the second one to see two people go home. I guess at this point in the season the gimmick is starting to wear off? In which case, why not just have fewer contestants to start? Then again, when 16.4 million people still tune in to the competition eps like Monday's, maybe I don't know what America wants. Let's do this!

Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host wasted no time before introducing the dancers who did the team tango from the previous night to repeat their performance, which moment was when your trust TV blogger hit fast-forward. I'd already gazed upon the horrors of a sleeveless Donny Osmond grinding his blonde partner on Monday. No need to repeat it.

Revealed as safe for this round: Kelly Osbourne (GOOD). In the bottom three: Mark Dacascos, so he'd either get the boot or have to do the dance-off.

The first musical guest of the night was Colbie Caillat with "Fallin' For You." If you're wondering who she is, well, she's the daughter of the guy who produced Fleetwood Mac's Rumours, and people like that get record deals. She wasn't terrible or anything, but the song was something you'd hear in a trailer for a romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey.

Also safe: Donny. In the bottom three: Michael Irvin (GOOD). How has that guy made it this long?

After that, the show broke new ground in sheer horror. Two of the dancers -- Derek Hough, partner of Joanna, and Mark Ballas, partner of Melissa -- have their own "band" called the Ballas Hough Band, and they unleashed a dance single called "Move" that was as uncomfortable and bad as you'd expect. It's what Britney Spears hears in her nightmares. Plus the mics weren't even near their mouths during parts of the song; the track was just pumped in so they could jump around. They have a website. Google it. Know sadness.

And then holy shit on toast you sick bastards you had to go and ruin Fight Club. The remaining contestants did a cheesy taped bit that culminated in "the rules of ballroom," with the first one and second one being, "You do not talk about the trophy." What a sorry thing to do to a modern classic. I hate you, ABC.

Safe: Mya and Joanna. That put Aaron in the bottom three, despite his record performance on Monday night. Savor the injustice, dude.

The final musical performer of the night was Rod Stewart, who I'd hoped would do "All For Love" because I think we all know it's an epic for the ages, but he didn't. He sang --or rather, shouted semi-tunefully -- "It's the Same Old Song," the Four Tops hit. At 64, Stewart has completely given up trying to be anything other than an oldies act. And he doesn't even do his own oldies. Eh. Guy's gotta get paid somehow.

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Cut for good: Michael Irvin! Thank. Merciful. Heaven. The crowd gave him a standing ovation, the mood of which was dampened a bit when he reached out and cut Tom Bergeron, but still, it was a hell of an exit. Michael's farewell speech even somehow reference the U.S. economy, which huh?

That meant Aaron and Mark would go to the Inferno for the dance-off. Mark went first, jumping off the judges' table before doing all manner of twirls and whatnot while he and his partner pranced to "I Like to Move It." Aaron's dance was jerky and discomfiting, relying upon similar jumps and pelvic thrusts. The judges seemed to like them both, too.

Ultimately, though, the judges opted to save Aaron, which made sense. He's come from behind to really bring the energy, despite his affinity for eyeliner, and Mark's been trailing for a while now. Plus this lets Mark get back to his work on Iron Chef America full time. Aaron can afford to stay longer because after this, it's back to cashing residual checks and living like Billy Madison. And really, now that Irvin's gone, the competition will be tighter.

Only five dancers left: Donny, Mya, Aaron, Kelly, and Joanna. Does that mean five more weeks of this? I'd better rest up.

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