Dancing With the Stars: Hey, Mambo!

Holy crap, you guys! It's week six of Dancing With the Stars! I thought I'd be dead by now. Tom Bergeron's trademark breathless intro made it sound like the celebrities on this show have been at war or something instead of just wearing sequined shirts and soaking up some free press, but he did bring good news: This week and next will see double eliminations. See? The good balances out the bad. Last night's dances were the waltz and the jitterbug, so, you know, there's also that. Plus it was also apparently dance marathon night? This is a ridiculous amount of crap to do in two hours. At this point in the season, they should just cut the competition eps to an hour.

Mya kicked things off with a jitterbug complete with randomly 1950s-ish costumes that made the number feel like something you'd see at Six Flags. Judge Len Goodman shut her down with, "The last refuge of the untalented is gimmicks and props." Sick burn! Mark also did a jitterbug, but the finer points were lost on me because his partner decided to dress like the French maid from Clue. Aaron Carter's suit was, I think, velvet, which made him look a little like Gay Skeletor, but his waltz went over really well with the judges.

Are the dances longer now because there are fewer contestants? THEY BETTER NOT BE.

Michael Irvin didn't do quite as well this week as last time; I really, really don't see how he makes it another week. Kelly Osbourne looked capital-A-dorable with a giant yellow bow in her hair. I want her to win, but her score was a bit low this week. Snowboarder and Joanna were so bland I almost forgot that they danced. But maybe I just got distracted by my anticipation for Donny Osmond, who was, I would like to point out, wearing a skin-tight deep-V undershirt, a red bandana around his neck, and a train conductor's cap. His rehearsal footage was weird and terrifying and I think featured dry-humping. His jitterbug performance, complete with steam and locomotive sounds, was the saddest, creepiest thing I've ever seen. This really is cruise-level entertainment, the kind of thing you would only watch if you were trapped at sea with legions of the gambling elderly.

But all that fell away when it was COMPETITION MAMBO TIME. All the couples had to dance, and were systematically tapped out until the last person standing won all the points and, presumably, a well-deserved sense of shame. Tom Bergeron joked about using his "golf-announcer voice" to narrate the action, which means I now officially like him. Michael Irvin was first out, which was no surprise, followed by Snowboarder, followed by Melissa, etc., etc., until it was down to Mya and Joanna(!). And Mya got the boot, so Joanna won, boosting her score by ten points. Her partner celebrated with a move that looked like he was humping her armpit.

And that's the competition for this week. Between his weak performance and quick elimination in the marathon, it's gotta be Michael's week to go home. As long as Kelly survives another week, fine by me.

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