Dancing With the Stars: Nearing the Finish Line

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Do you smell that? That potent mixture of stardust, flop sweat, and desperation? It's like burnt cinnamon and broken dreams. And it can mean only one thing: The final week of Dancing With the Stars.

The show's whole pointlessness was driven home in Tom Bergeron's opening narration, when he reminded viewers that "it doesn't matter how they scored" because it's the final showdown for the remaining three contestants. Then WHY KEEP SCORE AT ALL DUDES. The scores aren't cumulative and are factored into viewer votes and producer directives in ways I can't even fathom, so why do it? Whatevs. At least last night's competition ep was only 90 minutes long, or 17 when you fast-forward and just make up what happened. (Kidding!)

It was down to Donny Osmond, Kelly Osbourne, and Mya. Before the ep started, I picked Mya to win, though I'd like to see Kelly take it if only because nobody counted on her to get so far. Kelly got to kick things off, too, starting with a tango that was nice and wait a minute why is Denise Richards in the audience? Also, Kelly's brother, Jack, finally showed. Way to hop on the bandwagon at the end, dude. She got a 26.

Mya was next with a paso doble that for some reason required her partner to be shirtless under his jacket, which I think we can all agree is among the top 3 gayest fashion choices for a guy. I use "gay" here not in the cheap pejorative sense employed by high schoolers and douchebags; I use it to mean "like when a guy and another guy have sex with each other." She danced to "We Will Rock You" and got a 30, which at this point is boring. Of course she aces everything. Blah blah blah.

Donny finished the first round with a cha cha cha cha cha that totally won over audience members Lisa Rinna, Harry Hamlin, Jane Seymour, and my splintered and confused psyche. It earned him a 27.

Commercial sidebar: I'm digging the Target ads with Maria Bamford, who is awesome and funny and who you should love. Just intergoogle search for "The Maria Bamford Show."

So, at this point I thought, no way can they fill another hour. How would they even do that? But my foolish questions were answered when Tom and Lady Co-Host unveiled the Megamix Challenge, in which all three couples would perform the same choreography side by side. I was hoping for a more Thunderdome approach to stuff, where Kelly comes in on Donny's shoulders and they try to kill Mya, but I guess America has spoken.

So they Megamixed the shit out of the dance floor, and everybody seemed about the same. Plus they used "Maniac," which is the most original and fun song to dance to ever! Flerg.

Then hold onto your butts and watch out for raptors because it was freestyle time. Kelly went first with a routine set to "I Will Survive." And not the good version from Cake. She only got a 24, too. Uh-oh.

Next was Mya, who got a 27, so apparently the freestyle gets judged tougher than the others? I guess. Donny wrapped it up with a corny, corny, corny routine full of hamming and mugging and other things your mom likes. And he got a 30! This world makes no sense.

So that was it. The final competition episode of this season of Dancing With the Stars. I don't know about you, but I'm gonna go listen to "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" and make a slideshow of all the good times we had. Almost out, you guys. Almost out.

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