Dancing With the Stars: Suck It, Maxim Model!

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This is it. The ninth week of Dancing With the Stars has now come and gone. Only now do I understand the bittersweet joy of watching a baby grow up.

This week's pointless encore command performance was Mya's salsa, which had earned her a perfect 30 the night before. Len Goodman touted her "tooty fruity booty" in his intro, which was as physically repulsive as you'd imagine. There was also even more filler and teases than ever, as Tom would hint that a loser/winner would be revealed but then cut to a commercial. It's the American Idol formula. There was even a comp video where all the contestants talked about how awesome the other contestants were.

Case in point: A dance number from the upcoming movie musical Nine, which some people might think was featured on DWTS because of all the dancing and underwear and needing to kill time, but you and I know it's because Nine is from Miramax, a part of Disney, which owns ABC. Synergy: impress your friends!

Then it was time for a performance by Alicia Keys that was honestly kind of bland and made me wonder what happened to the girl who sang "Fallin.'"

But then holy shit, HOLY SHIT, there was a music video in which the four remaining contestants lip-synced "Under Pressure." Way to kill a great song. Apparently it's tough being a low-level celebrity who gets compensated for being on a reality show? The best moment was the toss back to the live action, when Tom Bergeron shrugged and looked around the room and said, "Apparently doesn't improve lip-syncing skills." Tom wins forever. Seriously, has there ever been a show where the host so clearly didn't give a shit what was happening?

Safe for now, and headed to the finals: Mya! Serious, I bet she wins.

Next was a performance from Leona Lewis, who is apparently an actual singer or something. If you're into bad pop in the Mariah Carey vein, she's your girl.

Also headed to the finals: Donny Osmond, which didn't bode well for Kelly Osbourne. Piss.

GAH. The Bee Gees? Yeah, the Bee Gees. They looked terrible -- like old men made to dance for their sins -- and they performed while Melissa something from a previous season and her partner did the Hustle and later talked about real important issues, like chest hair and crazy-cool medallions. I made it through half before fast-forwarding.

Off the show: Joanna! SUCK ON THAT, MAXIM MODEL. Kelly made it to the finals! So help me, I'm actually happy about that. Dancing With the Stars gave me an emotional reaction. Shit. I still hate it though.

Like I said at the top: this is it, kids. Only one more week to go before the winner gets a giant trophy, everyone gets a paycheck, and we can all go home and forget about ballroom dancing for a while. Just like the Indians and the Pilgrims would've wanted.

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