Dancing With the Stars: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

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You guys! YOU GUYS! We're closer to the end of Dancing With the Stars than I'd thought! The grid at Futon Critic only had the show running through next week, the 24th. And then, like manna from sequined heaven, Tom Bergeron confirmed at the top of last night's competition ep that next week will indeed be the end of the season. Happy Thanksgiving, indeed.

We're down to four: Donny, Kelly, Joanna, and Mya. Let's skip right past the part where we breathlessly look back at the week before and just get right to the awkward dancing.

Donny got this partay started with a tango, which I think we'll all remember from True Lies. This one did not end with a rocking snowmobile chase, though, but with an awkward bitch-slapping by prissy judges. He messed up a few times and earned a 21, which can't be good for his standings. Joanna followed with a Viennese waltz set to a syrupy cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" that made me wish ill upon all the children of the world. But she got a 27. Weirdly, she might be able to go down to the wire on this.

Kelly Osbourne was next with the rumba, though the rehearsal footage tried to mine extra tears by talking about how her dog just died. NOT FAIR ABC. Plus she's all adorable and nice, and the only recognizable human among the contestants, and she did a great job. She got a 24, because the judges are grading on a tougher curve and I cannot believe I now understand this show.

Mya rounded out the first ... round ... with a waltz that was predictably solid and earned her a 28. This thing is pretty much hers to lose, though it'd be nice if Kelly took it for some reason.

Then there was the first of four bio pieces for the evening, starting with Donny. I think he's kind of terrible, but I can't shake the feeling that he's probably a nice guy. And if cheesy bad music is your thing, holy shit this guy is your messiah. He's like the Mormon version of Branson, Missouri. His second dance -- set to the Osmond Brothers' "One Bad Apple," yeesh -- went over a little better, earning him a 26.

Joanna's bio piece was about her being born in communist Poland, which what? Blah blah, she moves to the U.S., becomes a model, achieves fame and fortune. Like you do. Hugh Hefner said she's got charisma or something, which was weird. Has she posed for Playboy? If not, was that Hef trying to convince her to? Whateves. Creepy old robe-wearing bastard. Joanna's second dance won her a 27.

Kelly's bio was like a compressed Behind the Music -- rock, drugs, rehab, reality shows -- and her second dance was peppy and energetic, earning her a 27. I don't know if she can go all the way, but it'd be nice if she did.

Mya's bio was about growing up in Washington, D.C., and learning to tap dance. Her second dance was a salsa that got another 30. For reals, just call her the winner and save us all another week.

So then there was this lame Knockout Dance round, which was when the stars trotted out the backup routines they'd been working on all season in case they ever had to go to the dance-off inferno thing. I'm not gonna go through it for each dancer because I don't care, and I know you don't. Suffice it to say that everybody did a good job and Mya scored the highest. Duh.

I'd like to see Joanna go home, if only because I like her the least. And I'd like to see Kelly win, because she's the sweetest. But I bet Mya takes it all. As for who goes home this week, it's a crapshoot. I'm just glad to know it'll all be over soon.

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