Results! This is the best part of Dancing With the Stars: knowing that there will be two fewer semi-famous people competing next week. Who will I not have to watch? Snowboarder? Model? Donny? No, I bet Donny stays. But everyone else could be eliminated or killed. The suspense, it is overwhelming.
There were opening credits last night. Were those new? I don't remember them, for whatever reason. After they ended, Tom Bergeron and Lady Co-Host tossed the action right to a recap of the previous evening's competition for every freaking dancer. If this is how they kill time this early in the season, how will they fill the endless minutes when there are only a few couples left?
Baz Luhrmann is still around as a guest judge, and he asked for this week's repeat dance to be Mya and her jive. Just so we're clear: There were clips of Monday's dances, then an actual dance from Monday performed all over again. So ... yes.
Holy crap Mickey Rourke is in the audience! What the hell is happening?
John and Lady revealed that Tom "Dazzle Me Dreamy" DeLay and Kathy Ireland are both at the bottom of their packs in 13th place, which news Kathy takes with the kind of stride one probably needs to be a professional object of masturbatory lust for millions of sports fans. Snowboarder and a few others are right above that; of his lower ranking, he says: "We care what the judges think, but I really just want like the people to stoked that are watching, be like, 'Aw, yeah, that was pretty cool.'" [sic] I know what you mean, Snowboarder. Tied for first are Aaron Carter and Mya.
First manufactured tension of the night: John and Lady reveal that thanks to the judges votes and support from viewers like you, Donny, Mya and Aaron aren't going home, which duh.
Joss Stone performed. It looks like every results show is going to feature a song. It wasn't terrible, but I'm writing while she sings and already forgetting the melody. Then there was a featurette about the studio where the stars practice. It could not have been a more shameless attempt to kill time.
Also safe: Mark (the Iron Chef guy) and Natalie, who I think is a swimmer. Still in doubt: Debi Mazar.
John and Lady then took time to remind viewers about some design-a-dance contest on the website, which will be a pasodoble (?) to Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" (?!). So, go to the site and click on a celeb from last season and make them do this dance for you, America! You are the puppet master in a theater of the damned!
In another sickening show of vertical integration, a young girl from Disney Channel's The Wizards of Waverly Place performed her new single, which sounds like it just missed out being on an Ashlee Simpson record. I fast-forwarded, and you can't stop me.
Safe for now: Joanna the model, Michael Irvin, Chuck Liddell (whose success weirdly cheered up Mickey Rourke), Melissa Joan Hart, Kelly Osbourne. Uncertain: Snowboarder. (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
The USC Trojan Marching Band played and strolled through the studio, which was fun. They're infinitely better and weaving between each other than the stars attempting to dance. Then their dance crew, in USC sweaters, came out and performed, and it was the best part of the night. Sadly, it ended, and Donny Osmond and the rest soon returned.
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SHOW ME HOW
Joss Stone came back out, which at first upset me, but she did "Son of a Preacher Man," and so help me I kinda liked it. I just dig that song, you know? ... Look away! I'm hideous!
Dazzle made it! He'll live to awkwardly dance another week. But Kathy Ireland is still in jeopardy. Just tell me already!
In the end, Debi, Kathy, and Snowboarder were lined up on stage. Safe: Snowboarder, inexplicably. But after much hemming and hawing, John announced this week's loser: Kathy Ireland. Debi actually looked guilty at winning. Kathy and her guy did one last dance during the closing credits to Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time." The irony of wishing I could indeed turn back time to before I'd heard that song seems heavy enough that no further comment is required.
So that's that for the week. Keep on dancing, kiddos. And come back for more Dazzle.