Dear Astros: Try The Old Rainbow Unis, Then You'd At Least Be Interesting To Look At

Dear Astros, if you're going to be bad, could you at least wear the rainbows?
Hey Astros fans, here's some news for you. The Astros have the same record as the Boston Red Sox. And the Red Sox are supposed to be playing in the World Series at the end of the season, if you believe the experts that is.

While it's nice the Astros and BoSox share that record, the sad news is that both teams are sitting with 2-8 records, as are the Tampa Bay Rays. And 2-8 equates to the worst record in the baseball. The Astros also started last season at 2-8, and we all know how that season turned out -- okay, strike that thought.

If there's a way to lose this season, the Astros have found it. Get a good performance from the starting pitcher and have the closer implode in the ninth inning. So then the starters just decided to skip the whole-let-the-closer-blow thing and just went out and sucked. Recently the team has seen some decent starting pitching, only to have the offense disappear -- actually, that's not really fair to blame anything on the offense because the offense was supposed to suck this season anyway.

There have been some highlights so far. Carlos Lee has two triples so far. Yes, that's right, Carlos Lee has two triples. How bad do the outfielders on an opposing team have to be to have Carlos Lee get a triple? The guys chasing after those hits in the outfield must also be the same guys who were trying to shoot the basketball for Butler when they lost to UConn for the national title.

The triples really must have exhausted Lee, however, because he's only hitting about .200 with an on-base percentage hovering around .250. So it's really nice to see that last year's sucky season wasn't an aberration.

But frankly, from the attendance figures, it looks like most of you aren't paying any attention to the Astros anyway. They could barely get 20,000-plus in MMP for a game against the Chicago Cubs last night. In years past, the place would be packed with at least 20,000 Cubs fans, so that's really a testament to just how bad both the Astros and Cubs are this season.

It's not like you're missing anything by not going. As always, Bill Brown and Jim Deshaies are at the top of their game with the TV broadcasts, and Jeff Bagwell has rejoined them for the Saturday broadcasts. Last year, Bagwell moved from the broadcast booth to the dugout when he took over as hitting coach midway through the season. This year, the TV guys have already started a campaign to make Bagwell the team mascot, with Junction Jeff taking over for Junction Jack.

Junction Jack.jpg
Watch out Junction Jack, Jeff Bagwell's gunning for you
What Bagwell does is no big deal. There's not really much he can do to help this team. Though maybe, just maybe, he can once again talk to Hunter Pence about laying off those breaking balls in the dirt.

Here's the real shocker. Humberto Quintero still can't hit. And though J.R. Towles is still hitting the ball a bit, the Astros seem to be of the belief that the catcher isn't really supposed to be able to hit the baseball. That's one thing if the catcher is Brad Ausmus and Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio, and Jeff Kent are in the lineup. It's another thing when the hitter is Quintero and his main quality as a defensive catcher seems to be his inane desire to snap a throw off to first base after every pitch.

But the worst thing about this Astros team isn't that their bad. It's that they're boring. It's one thing to be bad and entertaining. But watching these guys play is enough to put a person to sleep.

So since the Astros aren't going to get any better this season, and since they're probably not going to become fun to watch, maybe they should do something different than just play around with that new big-ass video screen. Maybe the team should bring back the old, glorious, rainbow uniforms on a fulltime basis. At least then they'd at least no longer be wearing the most boring uniforms in baseball.

They would still be bad, but maybe the visuals would be a bit more appealing.

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John Royal is a native Houstonian who graduated from the University of Houston and South Texas College of Law. In his day job he is a complex litigation attorney. In his night job he writes about Houston sports for the Houston Press.
Contact: John Royal