Dear Olympics: More Nudity And/Or Violence, Please

"We live in a cynical world, a cynical, cynical world..." said a very smart man once. Maybe it was Nietzsche, or Elmer Fudd.

Artifacts like the Olympics -- both the summer and winter variety -- have grown boring and stale. TV giant NBC is getting torn to shreds for including haircut Ryan Seacrest in their stilted and censored coverage of the London games. He's better suited -- literally -- to talking to toothless mallrats in a convention center hellbent on pop domination than to human Thoroughbreds who have trained their bodies to commit superhuman feats.

Not only that, Americans don't like anything that isn't football or covered in smoke and oil. The Olympics in any season are a testament to the fabric of the human spirit and body, that much is true, but in just a few more Olympic cycles, our idiocratic country will finally grow bored with javelins and the uncomfortably tight outfits of female teen gymnasts and change the channel.

With the time difference between the States and London, results are coming before prime-time viewers can even see them. It's like a 24-hour spoiler marathon. Imagine if every movie you have never seen was constantly being spoiled for you on social media for two weeks. Just now I saw the results of a few big events by merely checking my Twitter feed. A decade and change ago this wasn't possible, and you couldn't watch a foreign feed of the games at your leisure at the office.

Damn, even Michael Phelps doesn't seem to care about what goes on, saying as much in a 60 Minutes piece days before the start of the games. He would rather be spending his endorsement money on chicks and weed. Do you blame him?

Search "boring" and "Olympics" on Twitter. Here, I'll do it for you. Art thou bored??

At least the Olympics got the opening ceremony right. It was like a three-hour Super Bowl halftime show without surprise titties, Madonna and Dumpster mouth. The presence of the stodgy royal family only slammed home the image of the games as a vestige of nobility and fodder for those with permanently upturned noses and asses affixed with sticks.

Americans need blood and nudity to get their rocks off. A few days ago there was a Mongolian nipple slip at a women's Judo event and then.... then there is the gluteus majesty of Olympic female volleyball. The guys have to wear special underwear so their junk doesn't make an Olympic splash too.

Then there is the Olympic Trampoline Team. I'm not the first to advocate Kate Upton and her buxom friends to take over the female competition. If we can bring basketball he-men like LeBron James across the pond to bloody up a team of Frenchmen, why can't we bring our stellar American bra-power?

The Olympics are too genteel, too fey, for some. We watch UFC every month and crave bum fights. If it bleeds, it leads. We need boob flashes, dong peeks, and athletes that look like supermodels and rock stars.

Even events involving things that can kill you like archery and winter's rifle-toting Biathlons get overlooked. And Americans HATE IT when they have to lose to smaller foreigners, even if it's in an event that they would care less about nor knew existed before they saw it on the TV. Americans deserve nothing less than gold at all costs.

Things got juicy in 1994 when white-trash Tonya Harding got her man-goons to club Nancy Kerrigan in the knee before that year's Lillehammer Winter Olympics. We need more drama like that to keep eyes and ears glued to the games.

Give the water polo folks machetes, put alligators in the swimming pools, have porn stars learn to pole-vault, fastest tweeting events, and maybe add some sort of Shake Weight competition to the mix, because they make you look like you are jacking someone off. Also, freestyle fellatio. Somehow. Just throw a little parental advisory on the TV somewhere. And lastly, fire. There is never enough fire.

Update: Another tip -- Combine Olympic sports. Weightlifting/trampoline competitions, anyone?

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