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Dear Spencer Pratt, Why Are You An Asshole?

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So resident dickwad of “The Hills” – Spencer Pratt, natch – is busy dispensing advice for

Radar magazine

.

The trouble is, I’m not sure what he is capable of advising people on. Dear Spencer, how do I stretch out my 15 minutes into 30 or at least 25? Dear Spencer, how do I hook up with a vapid blond suffering from extremely low self-esteem? Dear Spencer, how do I manage to show all my upper gums when I smile? Dear Spencer, how do I create an extremely low-budget music video showing my girlfriend cavorting on the beach flapping her hands a lot that will go on to be mocked online for months?

The thing is, Spencer is a gift…the guy we love to hate. He is a pop culture tidbit, a blip on the pop culture radar, a future “Where Are They Now?” And this move only further cements his place in our collective minds as all of the above. So in all honesty, I look forward to reading his work.

However, I should say that in addition to being an asshole, he doesn’t even give good suggestions. In his most recent piece of advice, he reprimands a drunk girl for accidentally wetting the bed of the boy she was sleeping with. He refers to the girl as “my dear” (so cheesy) and then tells her to check out AA because “drunks are not sexy.” Let me speak from personal experience on this one. Having wet the bed of a boy after getting completely hammered (judge not lest ye be judged), I can say that Spencer’s advice is completely stupid. Miss Pop Rocks’ advice would be to wake up still kind of drunk, realize your mistake, laugh hysterically at yourself and the situation, and then punch your partner in the side, announcing, “Oh my God, I was so wasted I pissed your bed!” Then wash his sheets. Think it won’t work? Well guess what, the last guy I did that to married me. So there, Spencer. – Jennifer Mathieu

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