Dissecting the Surveillance Video Shot of a Crosby Walmart Bank Robber

Before I get to this photo, it is worth noting that the impetus for this is a serious story about a guy who robbed a bank inside a Walmart in Crosby. The suspect apparently walked into the store at 9:30 a.m. on Tuesday, verbally threatened tellers and demanded cash. He fled the store after being handed an undisclosed amount of loot from the tellers.

Crime Stoppers is offering up to $5,000 for information leading to the charging and arrest of the suspect. If you have information about this crime, please call the Crime Stoppers Tip Line at 713-222-TIPS (8477) or the Houston office of the FBI at 713-693-5000.

Now for the more interesting part...at least to me.

While I probably won't give the kind of brilliant rundown my fellow Hair Balls associate Sean Pendergast does in his Zapruder analysis of videos, I did feel there were many things in this photo worth pointing out, you know, as a public service.

The suspect is nondescript. He's wearing a gray hoodie and a black cap. Nothing stands out, really, until you see that festive red and white bag under his arm. Maybe, as Stacy London from TLC's What Not to Wear might suggest, you wanted to add a POP of color to an otherwise drab outfit. Personally, for bank robbing and all, I would have gone monochromatic. It's sleek, stylish and hard to remember.

But moving away from the suspect for a second, note that he is walking right past some lovely poinsettias, clearly on sale (I think I heard they were like $2 at Lowe's), without even a peek. I know you are going for the cash, but not even a whiff of the holiday spirit. There's even a lit Christmas tree behind you and nothing? We guarantee the store was blaring holiday tunes and yet you just kept on robbing without a thought for the Christmas spirit. Nice, Scrooge.

Even sadder is the line of gumball machines to his left. I used to CONSTANTLY nag my mom to get a crappy little toy stuffed inside a plastic shell. I used to believe that when I was an adult and had quarters to spend with impunity, I would empty one of those suckers. Alas, I've only once removed one of the transparent orbs from a machine and that was because it had a sticky octopus in it that, when clinging to the ceiling, drove my cats insane. Don't ask how I figured this out.

I guess the whimsy of youth has all but escaped this desperate fellow as he winds his way towards criminal abandon.

Finally, in the back right is an ironic layaway sign. To think, he could simply put a little money down for his purchases and pay them off over time like a normal person, or he could be a real American and put them on credit like the rest of us.

Instead, he chooses to terrify bank employees while wearing Jay-Z's baseball cap and carrying a red purse. It's sad, really. I hope they catch him so that, if nothing else, they can help him to find the true meaning of Christmas. Then again, he was in Walmart, and for a whole lot of people, that's about as close as it gets.

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