Don't Worry, Everyone, Greg Abbott Is Totally Against Rape

A group of assholes promoting the legalization of rape are staging some meetings across the country this weekend, including in cities throughout Texas, prompting our fearless leader, Governor Greg Abbott, to wag his official gubernatorial finger. 

Apparently there are actual human beings who exist and publicly say that rape should be legalized, and (surprise!) one of them runs a blog. The Internet person who owns a website called "Return of Kings" recently launched a worldwide "meet-up day" for readers and followers of his pro-rape outlet, meaning these guys will have to somehow escape their dungeons and finally enter the real outside world.

Assuming most of these losers have been no further from their late-1990s Hewlett-Packard desktops than the short trek upstairs for a refill of Cheetos, there's a good chance they might actually disintegrate the second they feel the soft warmth of natural light. If we're not so lucky, then there will likely be some "Return of Kings" members meeting in various Texas cities including Austin, Dallas, San Antonio and Houston this weekend.

In a very short press release, Greg Abbott made it known that he is not okay with this.

“This pathetic group and their disgusting viewpoints are not welcome in Texas," Abbott said in the press release. "I’ve spent much of my career protecting women from such vile and heinous acts, and it won’t be any different on my watch as Governor.”

Good to know, Governor. Good to know.

After the group announced its scheduled meetings, the Houston Chronicle ran a "story" about Return of the Kings on its website earlier today, which included notable lines like "[they] were even dubbed misogynistic 'garbage' by the Mayor of Ottawa" (because apparently it's surprising to the Chron that Canadians are also against rape?) and an accompanying slideshow of the "20 Most Offensive Things Return Of Kings Has Said" (because apparently it's too much work even to try to pretend like they're not trolling for clicks by straight-up re-publishing this hateful bullshit). 

Anyway, Texans can rest assured now that we know our governor is firmly against the legalization of rape. That's a position pretty much all sane Texans — left-wingers, far-righters and everyone in between — can agree on. Who would've thought we'd ever be able to say such a thing about words that came straight from Greg Abbott? 

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