Dr. Brown's Letters to Daughter Sophie, Volume I: Sex Should Take Five Minutes

Dear daughter: "Sex doesn't always have to make you see stars. Typically, it's the man doing most of the work."
It's been six years since we actually heard Michael Brown talk in court; back then, he took the stand to vomit forth unsubstantiated allegations that his daughters with third wife Darlina were being sexually abused.

Brown hasn't seen these girls in about two years, and lawyers in his recent criminal trial were wise enough not to put him on the stand, lest they open the Doors of Craziness for prosecutors. But Brown left a record of his, um, unique thought patterns and notions of fatherhood in a compendium of life instructions to first-born daughter Sophie, titled "Letters to Sophie: The Brilliant, Sensitive Personality Exposed (formerly, bipolar)."

We'd like to share some of these letters with you, with the caveat that you might want to first grab a jar of kerosene with which to soak and sterilize your brain after reading. Our first installment comes from June 5, 2000, when Sophie was around a year old. Here, like any caring father, he offers his sage, well-reasoned, totally-un-batshit advice on how to maintain a happy marriage:

Want to have a happy marriage? Empower your husband with a great big ego and he won't let you down. Shower him with praise -- tell him he's the greatest and that's what he'll be. Nag, complain, criticize, and he ultimately will get enough and find someone else who makes him feel good, even if logically it will degenerate to the same level. So divorce is not even the answer.

Crush a man's spirit by implying he is letting you down in some way, and he's utterly useless. The man wants you to view him as the world's greatest lover, such that you feel honored when he asks for sex -- say no and you crush a little bit of him. Yes, both man and wife should and will enjoy mutually fulfilling sex -- together (it is never fulfilling if you cheat -- temporary pleasure and immeasurable guilt forever). Yet, the man physically requires more sex to prevent hypertestosteronism and the...resultant idiocy of the male. Sex doesn't always have to make you see stars. Typically, it's the man doing most of the work. You are wise, not weak, to simply give him his 10 minutes of pleasure. Act like your enjoying it and he'll only take 5 minutes [sic]. Then, don't forget to tell him how wonderful he was.

And yes, you actually just read that. It happened. Deal with it.

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