Everybody’s Gay…Even Miss Pop Rocks

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After two weeks with no power, can I just say


, it feels good to care about bullshit again! Seriously. It does.

Okay. That said, it turns out that while I was unhappily separated from the steady stream of pop culture news during the aftermath of Ike, everybody turned gay on me. Including me!

Rapidly accessing Facebook after the storm, I stumbled across a message from a guy I’d gone to high school with.

“Hey…you got married! To a guy! I had heard you were gay! Oops! Guess that was just some crazy rumor.”

Oops? Ha! I reveled in joy at the thought that I had been the source of scandal amongst my Catholic high school alumni. Now I love me some gays, but I am married to a man, I must admit. However, it turns out that not everyone is grooving on the straight train lately.

First of all, Clay Aiken showed up on the cover of People with his new baby to tell the world he was gay. Clay Aiken is gay. In other news, Hurricane Ike sucked ass. Um, here’s the question. Who did not know this about Clay Aiken already? Seriously! Did the Claymate ladies actually assume there was even a chance this dude was straight? I mean, really? He’s as gay as the day is long, and we love him for it. I’m sure he’s going to be a wonderful daddy, and it’s nice that’s kicking off his kid’s life by showing his son how important it is to be honest about who you are.

Next up: LiLo. Now I’m sure you’re asking yourselves, but Linds, you dated Wilmer Valderrama, so how can you dig chicks? The answer? It has been proven by scientists that dating Wilmer Valderrama actually turns you gay! Yes, it’s true. Expect Mandy Moore to come out any day now. I mean, honestly, wasn’t “That 70s Show” cancelled, like, 15 years ago? Why is this guy even famous anymore?

You know, I wonder about Lindsay. I’m going to get shit for saying this, but I think that the sexual scale for girls is a little more lax than it is for boys, which is probably unfair but just how it is. I think girls are given a little more permission to experiment and swing AC/DC and all that. I am not 100 percent sure that Lindsay is gay so much as she is a beautiful, talented, screwed up girl with daddy issues who has found comfort in the arms of the seemingly stable and caring Samantha Ronson. I don’t expect it to last, but then again, I haven’t expected that of any of Lindsay’s relationships.

The bottom line is I don’t care, nor do I think it’s really any of my business (not that I’m not going to talk about it anyway). Lindsay and Clay deserve to date who they want to date when they want to date them and marry who they want to marry when they want to get married. I just want Lindsay and Clay to be happy. I mean, obviously, not together, because I don’t think they’d go for that. But you know what I mean. -- Jennifer Mathieu

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