"You wanna do what to my body?"

Exhumin' to the Oldies

The Big Bopper — you know, the dead dude who sang "Chantilly Lace" — has been resting peacefully in a Beaumont cemetery for nearly 50 years now. But his son, who apparently performs as "The Big Bopper Jr.," tells the A.P. he wants to dig the old man up to finally solve the mystery of whether he initially survived the plane crash that killed fellow passengers Gary Busey and Lou Diamond Phillips. Or maybe it was Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens. Anyway, it was two other famous dudes, and one of them brought a gun on the plane.

I'm not sure what's more horrifying: the fact that this man earns a living as "The Big Bopper Jr.," or the fact that Big Bopper I is going to be disturbed to supposedly settle a mystery that is on the minds of exactly zero people, besides Bopper II.

Of course, the most tragic thing about that plane crash was its eventual canonization in Worst Song Ever contender "American Pie." If I could go back in time to one moment, it would be when Gary Busey shot Lou Ferigno on that plane (or something), thus causing it to crash, killing half of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Otis Redding. That way, Don McLean would've never had a reason to write that song, which is twice as malignant as cancer, with only half the fun. I just hope this exhumation doesn't make the song somehow more ubiquitous. Of all the people who need to die in a crash... -- Craig Malisow

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