From: Facebook To: Texas Attorney General’s Office Re: Why can’t we be friends?
Hey, Texas AG’s Office, we sent you a Facebook friends request the other day, and we hadn’t heard back, so we were thinking maybe it accidentally wound up in your spam filter, or maybe you’re tied up with another district attorney who’s sending naughty e-mails or something. So just in case you missed it, we just want to remind you that we here at Facebook are so anti-child-predator it’s not even funny. We know you weren’t too happy with MySpace’s foot-dragging when it came to keeping out the Chesters, and we totally understand. As a matter of fact, we here at Facebook call them “MyRape,” but let’s just keep that between us, OK?
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Just so you know, Facebook already had some good policies in place to help protect the kiddos on our site. Maybe you weren’t aware of that, so you automatically lumped us in with MySpace, where, incidentally, we hear they’re offering Red Lobster coupons to any registered sex offender who creates a new profile before May 31. See, we totally wouldn’t do that at Facebook. Those sickos can pay for their own Red Lobster.
Clearly, the Texas AG’s office wants the best for its children, and so do we, which is why we’re a bit hurt that you haven’t accepted us. Is there anything we can do to prove to you that we’re doing our best to keep the molesters at bay? When Nebraska was on the fence, we sent them a cute picture of our dog in a Huskers t-shirt, and that really won them over. And we sent California a big AIDS quilt. Is there anything we can do for you? Some money for a prison, maybe? Just let us know. We really want you to be our friend…and not in a pervy way!
-- Craig Malisow