Generally speaking, I have very few complaints about this football season.
The NFL season has been highly compelling, with a record 16 teams (half the league!) at seven wins or more through 12 weeks, and seemingly different team being touted as the "odds-on favorite" every couple of weeks. (Right now, it's Green Bay's turn.)
The college season has been quite noteworthy, considering this is the first season of the new four-team playoff and the committee selecting the four teams is about five days away from requiring a restraining order on the entire city of Waco. That's pretty cool.
The one area this season has been really lacking in so far is fan fights. For some reason, people seem to be getting along much better, or (more likely) they're fighting just as much, but there just aren't any cameras rolling.
Thankfully, the Bengals fans and the Bucs fans ended the drought this weekend. Or more accurately, multiple Bengals fans (on the road, no less!) rained fists and feet down upon one poor Buccaneers soul, a metaphor for the past ten years of Tampa Bay football.
Let's go to the footage:
And now we Zapruder this bad boy...
0:01 -- We have one Bucs fan, and he is repping two things wicked hard -- "No Shave November" (solid beard game) and whatever the opposite is of what these Bengals fans are repping. If this were like 1992, Bucs fans and Bengals fans fighting would be the equivalent of a Nature Channel battle between a salamander and an earthworm.
0:06 -- It's hard to tell who is trying to break up the bubbling feud and who is trying to escalate it, although I'm fairly certain that a fat guy in an A.J. Green jersey, who is 1,500 miles from Cincinnati, is not entering into this fracas with good intentions.
0:08 -- Some portly little gal is moving in on Beardy Buc Fan like he's slathered in melted butter. I've never seen her before and I can tell you this is the fastest she's moved in years.
0:10 -- Uh-oh, I knew it....here comes Fat A.J. Green....
0:11 -- ...OH....
0:12 -- ...DEAR. SPLAT.
0:13 -- All right, two things here. First, we get our first iconic call from the de facto play-by-play guy, who makes up for his complete lack of any command of the English language with a vibrant energy that brings something to the table. Second, Beardy Bucs Fan falls backwards into the street and comes about one second away from getting his skull run over by a jeep, à la Phil Leotardo in the final episode of The Sopranos. Seriously, this goes to show how dangerous and stupid sucker punches can be. Fat A.J. Green was probably tailgating like five minutes before this video, and here he almost commits murder.
0:21 -- Over/under on the grade level at which the dude commenting on this video reads at is placed at 3.5. What side are you on?
0:23 -- I know that we say, "A man should never hit a woman" and I agree with that, in the general domestic violence framework of things. No verbal argument between opposite sexes should ever escalate to where a man is punching a woman. However, what's the proper protocol for a man hitting a woman when three sows are trying to lay a gangland-style beatdown on him? Beardy should be allowed to hit back, shouldn't he?
0:26 -- There's not a single attractive person in this video. Every woman weighs 250 pounds, and every man is some form of stereotypical jersey fan.
0:27 -- Fat A.J. Green goes to pick up Beardy the same way a WWE wrestler scrapes his opponent off the map. Fat A.J. does so in order for him to get more punches in on Beardy's face. The only problem is that his one sucker punch has winded Fat A.J. so badly, he is swinging on Beardy with enough force to barely shoo away a gnat, let alone further cave in the side of a human skull.
0:34 -- Okay, I take back my "lack of attractive people" comment. The girl wearing a female-size A.J. Green jersey has me intrigued. She seems like she would, um, do stuff, if you took her out to a nice seafood dinner. Of course, she also seems like she would string you up by your testicles if you were married to her and came home five minutes late or bought the wrong kind of toilet paper. She's a live wire.
0:39 -- "Oooohh, sheeeeet, day try da go for da keeeeeel shot!"
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0:44 -- Female A.J. Green begins cutting a promo on poor Beardy, who isn't quite on full-on Dream Street as a result of the beatdown, but I also wouldn't let him make any important financial decisions for me at this point either. He's somewhere in between.
0:49 -- Female A.J. Green's final salvo is throwing some sort of piece of paper in Beardy's face, which is the equivalent of finishing off a seven-course steak dinner with a Saltine cracker. Terrible finisher, Female A.J.!
In the end, the match itself is declared a draw, but trust me...in the big picture, everyone in this video is a loser.