I'll be honest, until this weekend I didn't even know that the Iroquois Steeplechase in Nashville was a thing. Had no idea.
Even after I found out it was a thing, after seeing my colleague Clay Travis (Nashville talk-show host and founder of outkickthecoverage.com) tweet that he was on his way out there this weekend, I didn't think anything of it. I certainly didn't think to myself, "Iroquois Steeplechase...I GOT to get there before my time on earth is through."
Well, one Youtube catfight video later, I realize how completely and utterly wrong I was not to think that immediately.
If you do a Google Image search on "Nashville Iroquois Steeplechase," you're greeted with a sea of images of Bama-bang-wearing frat boys and yuppies complete in their superhero outfits of untucked Oxford shirts, shorts, ties and Cole Haans, to the extent that I'd guess that the Venn diagram overlap of this crowd and your average SEC football game is around 98 percent.
Additionally, your search will yield several pictures of seemingly well-heeled, sundress-clad debutantes in fancy Derby-style hats. They are a treasure to look at and I'm sure they all smell like some combination of cotton candy and heaven.
Further, do a regular Google search on "Nashville Iroquois Steeplechase" and the first link you're offered is the home page for the event, where you discover, among other things, that since 1981, the Iroquois Steeplechase has raised over $9 million for the Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt. That's nice.
It all seems so simple -- sunshine, money, horsies, charity, and the finest young men and women a genteel city like Nashville has to offer.
And then alcohol gets added to the mix.
And then one of those pristine Southern women calls the other one a name.
And then it gets awesome.
As Kramer would say, YE YE YE...C-C-CATFIGHT!!!
First, let's lay out the participants. I have no idea what most of their names are, so we are going to have to name them ourselves. Let's go with some classic Southern names:
DOLLY -- Pretty, long-haired blond wearing a short hot pink skirt. Ostensibly the star of the video without actually being a participant in the catfight itself, which is an amazing skill when you think about it -- kind of like how WWE manager extraordinaire Bobby "The Brain" Heenan would steal the show from the in-ring grapplers back in the day. Exact same thing.
SUSANNAH -- Spunky brunette who we find out quickly is wearing either a skin-colored thong or nothing underneath her skirt. Cowboy boots and bare female genitals combine the bucolic peace of the deep South with the skanky ambience of a champagne room at the Men's Club.
CLEMENTINE -- Long-blond-haired, black-dress-wearing nemesis of Susannah who is to be as admired for the color coordination of her panties with her dress as she should be vilified for her inability to finish a fight.
DUSTY -- Chubby pink-shirt-wearing slug (yeah, I know, I just described half the guys in the video) who would appear to be continually groping Dolly based on her
overreaction to his involvement. Proves in this video that he can withstand some pretty good licks.
WYATT -- First responder. No, he's not a policeman or a fireman, he's just the first pressed-shirt-wearing douche bag to climb aboard this whirlwind of estrogen and grain alcohol and attempt to defuse it.
JOE TOWNSEND -- Center for Vanderbilt's football team, sharp dresser, peacemaker, hero.
Big hat tip to the aforementioned Clay Travis (excellent on Twitter, @ClayTravisBGID) and outkickthecoverage.com for having the exclusive world premiere of this latest FFL (Fan Fighting League, for those of you new to this space. I am the commissioner.) entry, our first in the horse-racing catfight division!
I don't think I've ever been this excited to break one of these down frame by frame; let's do this. Zapruder time!
0:04 -- Savannah has beef with Clementine, enough to step through two dudes and go get in her face. Perhaps it's an SEC football issue, perhaps it's a guy problem. Most likely, it's just two women whose alcohol tanks have been filled up from EMPTY to BITCH over the last couple hours and we now have a case of road rage. Either way, it's about to get good.
0:06 -- Clementine lands a glancing blow that, combined with a day's worth of sun and drinking, sends Savannah into a full-on spill onto her back. At this point, the unfortunate video quality of the handheld iPhone prevents us from confirming if Savannah is wearing the thongiest of thongs or is in full-on Commando mode. Either way, her dad is frantically scribbling her out of his will as I type this.
0:07 -- Just as Wyatt tries to pry Clementine off of a prone Savannah, in comes Dolly "The Brain" Heenan, who tries to paint-brush Wyatt with a right-handed slap. Undaunted, Wyatt shows her how it's done by shoving Dolly in the face with a right-handed push. This is no time for chivalry!
0:11 -- Just as some dude in a pink untucked Oxford, shorts and Cole Haans tries to get involved (our first look at "Dusty"!), he is shoved away by a sport-coat-wearing, backwards visor-sporting superhero. Remember the name "Joe Townsend," people.
(By the way, for purposes of this video, the pink untucked Oxford/shorts-wearing douche is not even a single person as much as he is an amalgam wrapped in a meme. There isn't just one, there's like a hundred. It's like the scene in Ironman 3 when like 200 Ironmen show up to fight the bad guys.)
0:14 -- Dolly and Wyatt appear to be working together, like a two-person version of the "jaws of life," to pry Susannah and Clementine apart. Thankfully for victims of car accidents, the actual "jaws of life" work much better than these two drunken slugs.
0:19 -- We see that sports coat visor guy is holding a football, and for good reason, folks. He plays football. He is Vanderbilt center Joe Townsend, and judging by this video, apparently he is auditioning for some sort of jumbo package as he's carrying a football, and keeping a solid three points of pressure, I might add!
0:21 -- Wyatt winds up getting pulled over the top of Clementine, mostly because, it appears, his hands have been sucked in by the tractor beam that is Susannah's kung fu grip on Clementine's golden locks. She is holding onto her foe's hair like it's the sole branch on the banks of a raging river. Wyatt might lose a limb.
0:23 -- Dusty ambles back onto the scene and shoves Dolly, apparently in an effort to either a) help Susannah regain an advantage or b) touch a female. Both are in play.
0:27 -- POW! Dolly gives Dusty a smack across the face with a firm admonishment not to be touching her in any way, shape or form. "Don't touch me again!! (We have our first catchphrase of the video!) She gives him a second whack for good measure, and then a third one right in the face! Bobby "The Brain" Heenan was never this aggressive!
SIDEBAR FEATURE: DOLLY'S THREE PUNCHES OF DOOM
Thankfully, we live in a day and age where everyone is essentially carrying a video camera in his pocket and we have a central contact point for things like drunken brawls at horse-racing events in the South (thanks, outkickthecoverage.com!). You know what this means, right? Yes, multiple angles of key junctures of the fight, like Dolly's three-punch barrage on Dusty:
1. From this angle, it is undeniable -- Dusty is a modern-day Fred Flintstone.
2. Watch at the 0:18 mark for the random guy walking into the shot who then slips and falls on his ass, and tries to play it off. Nice try, dude.
Okay, back to the main feed...
0:40 -- Meanwhile, in the background, they've managed to scrape the two combatants, Susannah and Clementine, off of the ground. However, Susannah isn't done. She goes back into the tent (Thunderdome!!!) for more, but is held back by one of her friends.
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0:50 -- In the background, you'll notice a casual fellow wearing (you guessed it!) a pink Oxford shirt and some loafers casually filming the event from another angle with the steely-eyed focus of a neurosurgeon. He will become very valuable to us shortly. Make a note.
1:10 -- Finally, the police show up (well, one cop, actually) and Dolly is told in no uncertain terms that she must return to her limo. Man, does it get any more embarrassing than being publicly sent back to your limo? Poor kid.
IROQUOIS CATFIGHTMANIA DIRECTOR'S CUT
Remember when I told you to keep an eye on the cameraman in the background, the guy casually leaning against the driver's side of that pickup truck? Well, it was for good reason. Thanks to him, we have a second angle on the entire donnybrook, right here in two parts:
Things we learned from the Director's Cut:
1. Dolly and Dusty had beef that precedes the catfight video above. Clearly, her annoyance with him is rooted in something more than their mutual involvement in Susannah and Clementine's little tiff. I'm still going with Dusty just randomly walking around touching her because, quite simply, he doesn't touch many girls.
2. From this angle, we really get the full impact of just how tightly Susannah was gripping Clementine's long, blond locks when we see the force of breaking free almost jettison Clementine's head from her torso.
3. From this angle, you can really feel just how unhinged Susannah is during her maniacal post-fight stomp-around, almost like a female Terry Funk or Bruiser Brody. I half expect her to grab a baseball bat with barbed wire and get the crowd to chant "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
4. I really need to go to Iroquois Steeplechase next year. Who's comin' with me??
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.