A few bad apples spoil the bunch.
For the past three weeks, as a collective fan base, Houston Texans fans have been labeled as a bunch of delusional, intrusive, bloodthirsty animals. And why? Because a few idiots burned a Matt Schaub jersey, a couple of kids put a FOR SALE sign in his yard and, finally, a few thousand morons cheered when he went down in a heap with a leg injury on Sunday against the Rams.
Each of these actions got the usual "molehill to mountain" conversion treatment by the national media, handed down the assembly line, from Twitter to newspaper columns to First Take to PTI. And all of them painted every Houston Texans fan with the same huge broad brush.
Never mind that Reliant is the only NFL stadium I've been to that plays a two-minute video before each game imploring the fans to display proper behavior, including "no foul language." In the eyes of the national media, you're savages, Texans fans.
Now, here in Houston we all know this couldn't be further from the truth, and I think sometimes we need a reminder as to what actual barbaric fans look like. Thankfully, Philadelphia Eagles fans went on the road this week, which is always a solid recipe for inebriated brawling to ensue.
Indeed, they went to Tampa and did not disappoint.
For the first time in a long time, we reprise the Fan Fighting League, complete with Zapruder analysis! Behold, a solitary Tampa Bay Buccaneer fan defending his home turf against a bunch of jersey-clad, belligerent Eagle fans:
Pretty solid effort on several fronts. Let's break this bad boy down. First, a roster of the vital participants: CADILLAC CHICK: Girl in the lower row wearing a Cadillac Williams jersey. She might be the only person left who owns a Cadillac Williams jersey, and that includes Cadillac himself and all of his family members.
HOT SHORT SHORTS: The other prominent female in the video, she can be seen wearing a red T-shirt (tight fit, love that) and white short shorts (love that, too).
TAMPA BAY HULK: He walks in right at the beginning of the video and is officially the "keep your eye on" guy in this clip. He's the one eventually bludgeoning any Eagle fan face within a ten-foot radius of his fist. (Every fight video has one guy who, if you watch from the very beginning and trail him, you'll be focused right where the action eventually is. So named because you're advised to "Keep your eye on THAT GUY..." Pretty simple.)
CARROT TOP: Androgynous fan who eventually gets escorted off, but can't totally tell if it's a male or female. It has a goatee, but these days (and with Eagle fans) that doesn't mean anything.
EAGLE MCNEELY: The poor Eagle fan ("#18 Jeremy Maclin" jersey) who catches the brunt of Hulk's wrath, I'm naming him after the most famous tomato can in boxing history, Peter McNeely, who is best known for doing the job for Mike Tyson back in 1995. He netted a "tomato can"-level pay-per-view check and one Pizza Hut commercial:
OLD MAN NOSEBLEEDS: Random old fart who keeps walking in front of the camera, staring at the camera like Stanley Roper after a lame barb on Three's Company, and ratting out the fight participants to security. His made-up last name "Nosebleeds" is for the section this fight takes place in, which appears from the camera angle to be somewhere at the top of Jack's beanstalk.
0:02 -- There's big doings in the middle of the section, and TB Hulk is stepping down the row to go vigilante justice (almost on cue at the beginning of this thing, to the extent that it looks like there might be a director who says "aaaaand...ACTION!").
0:10 -- Perhaps realizing that she doesn't have bail money, Hot Short Shorts appears to be trying to pry a male companion away from the simmering feud, or at least warn him to "go for the eyeballs" if the shit starts to get real.
0:21 -- With a dearth of jerseys among the male participants (and androgynous participant in Carrot Top), it's hard to figure out who is on what side. All I can tell you at this point is that Carrot Top and TB Hulk appear to be on opposite sides. It doesn't help that Cadillac Chick decided to verbally spar with TB Hulk. It may very well be that this is just a gaggle of people whose hatred for one another has nothing to do with football affiliation. This may just be a bunch of jerks. Let's keep watching and find out....
0:30 -- TB Hulk to Carrot Top -- "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" Yeah, they're not down with each other. Also, Cadillac Chick is feisty. Also, we get our first "99 Jerome Brown" jersey sighting, on an Eagle fan so huge that it might be Jerome Brown's actual jersey. He walks over to observe because clearly this is a situation that requires more Eagle fans.
0:45 -- Cadillac Chick is crazy heated. Odds that she has been the target of a restraining order at some point in her adult life are set at -350.
0:53 -- First appearance of Old Man Nosebleeds, who gets up out of his seat ostensibly to "see what these young whippersnappers are doing," but deep down it's to get a better seat for what might end up being a cat fight. (Men are perverts well into their 90s. This is known.)
1:00 -- Carrot Top is literally holding Cadillac Chick back. I say let her go, let's see what kind of skills she has. The rise of Ronda Rousey has made chick fighting much more acceptable in 2013.
1:28 -- Nosebleeds turns around and sees the camera, and realizing that he's in the way, takes a couple steps up. There's a decent chance he thought that this was being filmed for an actual movie, like he just stumbled onto the set. He looks terrified.
1:34 -- Carrot Top and TB Hulk...pointing...jousting....pointing....this place is about to blow....
1:39 -- FIRST BLOW! Oddly enough, it comes from Eagle McNeely, who grabs TB Hulk by the shirt and starts the dominos falling on a section-wide tussle.
(I say "oddly enough" on McNeely starting it because, of all the participants thus far, he's been one of the more passive ones. If there had been a prop bet for "Throws the first punch" for this video, and you were to get down your wager at the 90-second mark, it would have gone like this:
CADILLAC CHICK +150 TB HULK +400 CARROT TOP +600 JEROME BROWN JERSEY GUY +1200 EAGLE McNEELY +2000 OLD MAN NOSEBLEEDS +10000000
And then when it hit and it was McNeely, you would have hated yourself for betting someone else because you would have said, "Of course, how do I not take the dude in the Eagles jersey! I'm so stupid!")
1:46 -- A lot of pushing and shirt pulling, except from Cadillac Chick, who has taken the start of the fight as the checkered flag to flail wildly at anything that moves.
1:47 -- Keep an eye on the dude in the white golf shirt and visor who decides to try to help break things up. He steps in and begins holding onto the whirlwind of people (about a half dozen all being held together by the handfuls of each other's shirts in one hand and the full-force gales of their punches with the other hand).
1:49 -- Hot Short Shorts (black) and Cadillac Chick are in a full-on cat fight, the kind Kramer and Jerry were hoping for in the Raquel Welch episode of Seinfeld.
1:51 -- Adding to the chick factor, a slender blond in spandex and a black ball cap scurries down the steps to get involved, because cat fight! She gets in and starts throwing blows, and this thing is a full-on melee. Unfortunately for the mass of humanity, especially the dude in the white visor, like a game of human Jenga, the hot blond's involvement disrupts the center of gravity enough to send it all....
1:56 -- ...crashing down TWO ROWS! HOLY SHIT!
1:57 -- With Philly fans involved, this clip totally needs old ECW announcer Joey Styles on play by play...
....OH MY GOD!! ECW! ECW! ECW!
1:58 -- Keep an eye on...
1:59 -- ...TB Hulk...
2:01 -- ....POW! POW!
2:02 -- ...ECW! ECW! ECW!
2:03 -- Eagle McNeely won't be smelling out of that nose for some time. I like how TB Hulk whacks him twice across the face and then holds his fist cocked looking for someone, ANYONE, else to pulverize. Sign of a good bar fighter.
2:07 -- Here come the cops to break it up. While the cops are subduing TB Hulk (one of them literally hanging on his cocked fist), someone tosses a water bottle or something up to the dude in the DeSean Jackson jersey, and I half expected him to use it to cold-cock someone, foreign object-style.
2:45 -- TB Hulk is escorted off and given a hearty goodbye by the Eagle fans, including a vindicated Eagle McNeely, who stands with his arms raised and face bloodied. Old Man Nosebleeds is smiling and looking at the camera like he's out after curfew or something.
3:30 -- Eagle fans are not done. They got their pound of flesh with the apprehension of TB Hulk, but they will not rest until they've weeded every member of the enemy. Yeah, that means YOU, Carrot Top (who is wearing an Eagles T-shirt, but who cares)!
3:50 -- Old Man Nosebleeds is trying to play Good Samaritan, helping the cops out by pointing out that someone got this all on film. Rat fuck.
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SHOW ME HOW
4:20 -- Eagle fans cap off their celebration with a rousing rendition of their team fight song, which as we all know is only cool if it's sung by Clay Walker...
(h/t to Busted Coverage)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.