You probably want to know who's going to win the two semifinal games Saturday, just so you can place a bet or two.
Fortunately, there is a scientifically based, rigorous system of analysis that is foolproof in predicting such things: Astrology. At least that's what astrologers say. (Actually, most of them say the stars don't predict, they only indicate things, or something like that.)
We turned to our resident expert, Figgy Jones, for her zodiacal examination of what the Final Four looks like. If you're the kind of person who doesn't like to read spoilers in movie reviews, read no more, because all the suspense will be gone.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Take it away, Figgy:
In Saturday's NCAA Final Four playoffs at Relant Stadium, the stars pick the University of Kentucky over the University of Connecticut and Butler University against Virginia Commonwealth University.
This may be a bit unorthodox, we're basing our picks solely on the head coaches' astrological charts. We have no dog in this hunt. although we were partial to St. John's.
Just on historical track record alone, it's easy to assume UConn will win. But we notice its head coach, Jim Calhoun, has got a double whammy of the planet designating sudden changes (Uranus) and one that means masculine energy (Mars) hitting the very core of his values -- and his security. However one tries to predict Uranus, one will fail, so we'll turn to other indicators: All the action currently is taking place in his house of "hidden enemies," and he's due for some type of deception that will hurt, but eventually any lessons learned will help his personal progress. He may fundamentally be undergoing some questioning of his own values, and a change in philosophy could undermine the old, lifelong goal of winning above all else. Bottom line: He loses the game and probably his job, but gains his soul.
Let's give his nemesis in Saturday's 8:45 pm matchup, UKentucky's John Calipari, a whirl. No matter the flap over coaches getting paid bonuses linked to a higher number of players who graduate (hats off to ND for starting that trend), he looks good to us right now. Pluto, which designates evolution/transformation to the nth degree, is dancing in the skies atop his Saturn, the planet that connotes foundation-building. And transiting Saturn is smack-dab on his destiny point, what he's supposed to grasp in this lifetime. 'Nuff said. Plus, we just like the name of the guy's hometown: Moon Township, PA (a suburb of Pittsburgh, named after a crescent-shaped bend in the Ohio River).
Note: Although we don't have birth times for any of these coaches, we think both Calhoun and Calipari, despite differences in age/school/Sun signs, etc., are fundamentally similar in the way they seek emotional security.
In the 6 p.m. faceoff Saturday between two underdogs (I'm told the term is "Cinderella teams," maybe because they're sweeping the court in glass slippers??), it's a tougher call. Both Butler's Brad Stevens and Shaka Smart of VCU are only six months apart in age, and they have similar issues confronting them. Duh! Like who will topple the mighty UK!
Both have transits indicating they are empire-building on an evolutionary scale. And their careers no doubt will blow up (in a good way), having gone this far. It's tough, but we think Butler, by a hair. Stevens was born under a new moon in Libra, and we somehow think all this spring's activity in the opposing sign of Aries is stepping up his game - literally.
But because it's so close, maybe VCU next year, or that's when Smart will get the girl, or something like that. Disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer, etc.
We'll post an update on our predicts for Monday's finals once we find out for real who wins Saturday. Until then, enjoy the April madness!