Hello, friend. It’s time for that “new year, new me” bullshit again, isn’t it? You looked at the first square on that My Hero Academia calendar your nephew bought you for Christmas that they clearly wanted for themselves and thought, “this is the year I master the art of turning my body’s pudding into steel! I am a full metal alchemist!”
I’m sorry, there is so just much anime in my house when the kid’s school is out.
By now, the high of physical activity during the cold(ish) months has worn off, and you discovered a fact that you’ve known all along: gyms suck, and exercise is boring as hell. Not to everyone, of course. I have a terrifying friend who really loves lifting heavy weights while men stand around a look a little scared of her. Her arms bulge so much the faces on her tattoos seem like they are being strangled, which really helps her whole aesthetic.
If you were one of those people, you probably would have discovered it by now. Odds are, you are not. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you have to give up. It just means that you need to rethink the way you’re conceptualizing fitness.
Repeat after me: being thin does not equal being healthy, and starving yourself does not bring joy. It never will, unless you develop some very specific and dangerous mental illnesses. Our species, all species, are designed to not want to starve. You’re trying to kick evolution in the nards, and the last time someone tried that, evolution just protectively moved the nards into the lizards’ torsos.
We all have the belief that our will is indomitable. Let me assure you from personal experience that rehab facilities are full of people who vastly overestimated their ability to power through a craving. What we as humans do have is imagination and a sense of play. We have goddamn whimsy, and it can be your greatest tool for health.
If you want to increase your physical fitness and health, you need to find an activity that you enjoy. For years, I have tried to pretend that I really like getting up from writing every half-hour and doing a few kettlebell swings. They sit there, right next to my Final Fantasy XII action figures, and beg me to swing them, reflecting my soft face in their bleak black metal surface.
I don’t love swinging these ten-pound scrotums around. You know what I do love? Putting on black flowing tunics and bird-skull accessories, then skulking through my nice suburban neighborhood while people cross the street to get away from me. It’s fun. I get to listen to Pseudopod while getting in a half hour of exercise and maybe become a cryptid eventually. Sure, once March rolls around it’s hot as hell, but parasols are surprisingly affordable.
That’s the key. Find a physical activity that you actually enjoy. Take up jiu jitsu and fold some people’s clothes while they’re still in them. Go try one of those ninja warrior places and pretend you’re an Avenger. Join Dagorath and hit people with fake swords dressed as an orc. Be a ballroom dancer, you gorgeous and likely poisonous little butterfly!
Or if you want to make a real difference, there are a ton of volunteer activities that improve Houston and will definitely wring some sweat out of you. The point is activity for activity’s sake rarely makes anyone happy. That’s why your resolutions keep failing. Instead, make a goal of something fun you want to do that involves a physical component. Health will follow. It may not make you look like a supermodel, but it will improve your life tremendously.
This article appears in Jan 1 – Dec 31, 2024.
