Keep Houston Press Free

Five Alternate Fireworks Options in Texas This New Year's Eve Thanks to the Drought

The drought ruins EVERYTHING! If I sound like a petulant ten-year-old, it's only because I TOTALLY AM! As a kid, I lived just outside the city limits. As a result, my friends and I would blow up every mailbox, pile of rocks and ant bed in a one-mile radius of our houses. No, we didn't blow up frogs or cats. Don't be gross. But we did have fun doing really stupid stuff like firing roman candles at one another and tossing fireworks directly into small fires we lit in the middle of the street. Sure, one of us may have lost a finger or an eye, but you lived with it and YOU THANKED GOD FOR THE FINGERS YOU HAD!

Anyway, this year, wussy officials all over the state think it's too dry to shoot rockets off this year for New Year's, so a whole bunch of counties including Harris have banned "missiles with sticks" and "rockets with fins," better known as "all the best stuff!" They think you might set a house on fire or burn down hundreds of acres of forest or something dumb like that. Pffft...trees. I hate the stupid drought.

So, with that in mind, here are some alternatives that don't blow up in the sky like God intended. BO-RING!

5. Sparklers

The lamest of all lame fireworks (and, yes, there are lame fireworks), this is like being forced to swim in the shallow end of the pool because you don't have your floaties. Having to hold one of these outside of a wedding reception is like having your mom yell to make sure and wear your sweater within earshot of your buddies. She may as well just shoot you because you'll never hear the end of it. DAMNIT, MOM!

4. Smoke Bombs

They don't blow up, which is dumb, but they do provide ninja-like cover for when you are trying to escape the creepy neighbor guy as he yells at you, "Get the hell offa my lawn!" You can also hold it while you streak down the street on your bike making a badass contrail that will leave suckas in your dust. So, that's cool, I guess.

3. Spinners

These are kinda girly, but they aren't bad. Light them on the ground and they spin really fast and make a bunch of cool colors. There are a couple that even explode at the end, which is totally rad. If you're lucky, they'll catch some air and go sailing a few feet off the ground, maybe even scaring the girls who just want to "look at the the pretty colors." That would be awesome!

I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

2. Firecrackers

Now we're talking. Even someone as awesome as myself would not recommend throwing these bad boys as I have scars and singed hair to prove why it is a bad idea, but blowing stuff up is just plain cool. If you REALLY want to do something epic, light a whole strand on fire and watch the magic. Sure, you blow them up quickly, but with all the "buy one get 100 free" at fireworks stands, you should still have plenty left over. Plus, you won't be spending your money on the cool rockets you always do. Sigh.

1. Guns

In Texas, we like guns. Every year, people take them outside at the stroke of midnight and shoot them in the air like it is the old west. Is it safe? Absolutely not. In fact, it's goddamn stupid. But so is starting a bonfire in the middle of a really dry forest and that bastard Smokey the Bear isn't stopping me from doing that either. So, fire away, cowboy. Just don't be standing under the bullet when it comes back down.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.