We know nothing about getting good gifts for women, as our wife would testify. So Valentine's Day sucks. (in our case, it's followed by the gift-dilemma of a wedding anniversary four days later. Our wife has long grown used to disappointment, which she hides well.)
One thing we do know, though: Listening to sports-talk radio in February is a virtual audio bazaar of Bad Valentine Gifts.
"Guys, I'll just say this: If you're looking to score, heh-heh -- and I'm talking about scoring better than the Detroit Lions -- nothing works better than a Pajama-gram!!!"
Or a Vermont Teddy Bear. Or a Day of Beauty: "Remember, it's the one gift she'd never give herself." (Which makes it sound vaguely like an STD, but whatever.)
Males of the species: If you are bound and determined to show the true depth of your love by spending five minutes at work shopping online for a generic gift, we can only urge you to avoid these pratfalls:
This is supposed to be the "Fallen for You" Bear, but it's not so much charming as it is a grim reminder that we're all a paycheck away from losing our health insurance and getting screwed by faceless companies who fight reform by paying the GOP to rant about gummint-run socialistic health care.
Plus, nothing says "Let's jump in the sack!!" like a sad bear on a crutch, holding his head in pain after what must have been a severe mugging.
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Ah, the "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" Bear. Which, unless they want the FCC to come after them for false advertising, should be named the "Kiss Me, I'm Irish and Flamingly Gay" Bear.
Which is fine, if you happen to be Irish and flamingly gay and want to give something to your boyfriend. But if you're straight -- You give this to your girlfriend and your chances of getting any if you've run out of rubbers is zero.
The problem with this guy is more practical: If you're trying to convince a woman to have sex, which we assume would include dexterous and erotic use of the hands, is a hook really the image you want to be using?
Plus, he costs ninety dollars. Aaarrrggh!
The Hoodie-Footie from the Pajama-gram company (on the right side of the picture) is a nice gift. If you and/or your girlfriend or wife are card-carrying members of the Taliban.
Plus, it won't get delivered until September, so she'll have months of anticipation!!
We really wonder where this snuggly trend is going. Full mummification can't be far behind.
And then there's this pair of outrageously sexy outfits: The "Raining Cats & Dogs" gift set.
"Honey, I got you some perfectly serviceable pajamas that look like a six-year-old should be wearing them....No, I don't have a pedophilia problem....That Girl Scout & Brownie Illustrated magazine? I told you, I was just doing research!! For the cookies!! The cookies!!!"