Five Crazy Mandatory Water Restrictions: Coming Soon, Maybe

Yesterday, the mayor announced her plan to ration H2O next week if we don't get any rain. No more of this Stage 1 voluntary nonsense. If we don't want to wash our faces with Gulf Coast fish brine, we're going to have to move to Stage 2: no car washing, twice-a-week lawn watering and a 72-hour cap on fixing water leaks, among other things.

Don't feel like cutting back on your Slip 'N Slide time? We're sure the mayor has a few ways to get you to pay attention. Here were the unspoken parts of her plan:

5. Pee Light Cameras Ever wonder where your water drainage fee is really going? Where you yourself drain the most water: right into your toilet. In honor of this year's drought, HPD has manufactured tiny, toilet-sized devices that can detect the color of your trickle, funded generously by your $5-ish a month drainage fee. The old mantra "If it's yellow, let it mellow" applies here. If you piss a lustrous shade of gold, you're not drinking enough water. Good for you! But if your stream is clear, beware. Overzealous hydration will lead to a snapshot of your junk, and a fine.

And don't even think about flushing.

4. Mandatory Rain Dance Take Rick Perry's inability to make it rain on these hoes how you will. The pullaway message from Perry's three-day plea to God for rain: He's not listening. Time to try something more in line with Parker's spirit of inclusion. Bust out your feathers, because each evening at five, you'll be required to perform a rain dance on your browning lawn. Most deluge-invoking citizen wins a free trip through a red light.

3. Hazing In the giant state school that is America, Houston's really just a huge frat. Okay, so it's nobody's first choice, but the people are hospitable and the food's good. Deep down in your Texas heart, you know you've always wanted to pledge COH.

Now's your chance. Among the water restrictions is the house rule: no water consumption. In these tough times, sub alcohol. It's well known that cooking with white wine tastes better than water, in dishes like oatmeal and microwaved ramen. That pesky 21-plus rule is suspended momentarily for the emergency. Parents and COH alumni, it's the perfect time to boost your teenager's tolerance, so that one day they may fill your shoes.

2. Take Green Showers Starting next week, you can pat yourself on the back for being exceptionally green. That's when you'll start taking a/c drip showers. Just place a collection pan underneath your unit, turn that baby up full blast and start doing the dew. Pour liberally over your body, and let evaporate. For a biweekly shampoo, strap a brownie tray underneath your car.

1. Pee In Lake Conroe Bet you never imagined water conservation was so closely tied to your bladder! But since we're in a drought, now is the time to use every part of the buffalo. Soon, we'll have to start siphoning water from Lake Conroe to soothe our unmoisturized city. Lake Conroe is already almost four feet below normal, and lakefront property owners aren't happy that we city folks are about to dip into their depleted reserve. Luckily, by using the power of Houston's collective bladder, we can right our wrongs. On the day we loosen the dam to fill our own city with water, we'll let ours out and restore the natural balance.

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