Five GREAT Things About This Weekend's Rapture

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In case you hadn't heard, the Rapture will happen at 5:58 a.m. Saturday. All the good, Christian people will ascend to heaven and everyone else will be left here to suffer through unprecedented natural disasters before the End of Time comes in the fall.

At least that's Doonesbury's take on the situation, which is all the research we're willing to do. Apparently this all stems from some preacher buying billboards across the country advertising the coming apocalypse.

The Rapture coming Saturday? That is craaaazy. Unlike most of the other stuff in the Bible, which is all perfectly true.

Still, the Rapture promises some benefits for YOU LOSERS who will be left here sniveling on Earth while we're up in the clouds banging virgins, or whatever the proper version of heaven turns out to be.

5. Traffic on Monday morning will be a breeze Do your worst, Gulf Freeway. There may be a back-up on the HOV lane to Our Lord, but ye sinners will be cruising like it's HISD's spring break.

4. All those cool old theaters converted into churches? It's movie time! And people are going to want to be distracted, believe us. Also, since they're all doomed, you can show all the porno you want. Serve beer while you're at it, because there are no more sainted people than the dedicated agents of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, according to the TABC, so there won't be any harassing "spot checks."

3. Good time to get your license renewed if you can't do it online Plus, you won't have to pay any traffic tickets because the municipal court workers MUST spend all their time praying, fasting and doing whatever it is God demands. They certainly aren't doing anything to move cases along.

2. End of the Tea Party One of two things will happen: The Tea Partiers are right, and Jesus hates immigrants, Democrats and women who actually enjoy sex. In which case, the Tea Partiers are headed upstairs and you won't have to be bothered by them. Or, the Tea Partiers are wrong, and discover there's nothing that can be done about it and flail about in despair. (Or, in a longshot alternative, the Rapture doesn't happen. Just covering all the bases here.)

1. Astros season ends Drayton McLane loves nothing better than God-fearing white boys in his lineup. Boom! They've disappeared!! Boy, the 1986 Mets would have killed in post-rapture MLB. But then again they killed in 1986.

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