People do a lot of traveling during the holidays. From Thanksgiving through the beginning of the New Year, the airports are packed with people going home to see their families or just trying to get home where they left their eight-year-old boy alone to fend for himself and set up elaborate booby traps for would-be robbers. It's crazy!
Planes are a very convenient way to travel, obviously, but they are often cramped -- unless you're sitting in first class, big spender -- and filled with all sorts of annoyances. For the sake of your fellow passengers, if you get on a plane, you should follow some unwritten rules. We all know not to make jokes about bombs, and I recommend against drinking so much you puke on the pilot as you get off the plane.
These are simpler, easy-to-follow rules that will make traveling a lot nicer for everyone.
5. Don't trim your nails.
Um, dude, gross! I don't care if you have your hand buried inside a bag so the clippings don't get loose, this is neither the time nor the place to be flinging whatever is beneath your nails all over an enclosed, airtight metal cylinder. I'm fairly certain this activity can wait for later...much, much later.
4. For that matter, don't polish them either.
Ladies, really? There is a reason all those little women in nail salons wear masks. That shit stinks! Get a mani-pedi before you fly so no one has to deal with the noxious fumes from that jar of Iris I Was Thinner (actual name).
3. Don't loudly grouse about politics.
This is good advice pretty much wherever you go. You are like when Woody Allen pulled Marshall McLuhan out from behind a promotional poster at the movie theater to prove the guy behind him in line was a moron. Do this and everyone on the plane will want to strangle you with the oxygen mask tube.
2. Save the smelly food for your kitchen.
Why would ANYONE bring heated up food onto an airplane in the first place? A sandwich, sure. A snack of some kind or a drink, go for it. But nothing permeates a small space like some nasty reheated fish or, God help us, microwave popcorn. You think your coworkers hate you when you bring that stuff to work, imagine a couple hundred people trapped in a confined space for hours. Might want to keep a parachute handy.
1. No porn.
There is this ad with a woman who shares a video with him right before he leaves but warns him not to watch it on the plane. There's even a Santa and Mrs. Claus version. I get it. These ladies videotaped themselves doing something highly sexual, probably naked, and put it on a cell phone. That has never come back to haunt anyone! The point is, even if you accidentally bring porn on a plane, don't view it. It's freaking creepy. This goes for the guy Matt Thomas of Sports Talk 790 said brought a Hustler on the plane with him. Nasty.
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