Anyone who's been to the movies in the last month or so has seen the trailer for the upcoming Star Trek movie, which apparently involves people driving motorcycles over cliffs in order to avoid speeding tickets.
If you happen to be attending the kind of movie that attracts the wrong kind of fans (i.e., Star Trek fans), then you probably heard cheering at such seemingly amazing visual miracles as seeing a Spock who wasn't taking prostate medicine (Side effects for Vulcans may include a momentary loss of logic; if emotions last longer than four hours, please contact zzzzzzz........)
The world is, we're told, on the edge of its collective seat waiting for this new "reboot" of the Star Trek franchise coming this weekend; since we never got on board the Enterprise to begin with, we're just bewildered.
So here are five things to keep in mind about the newest, greatest, keenest episode of Star Trek:
5. CGI sucks. William Shatner flinging himslef across a cardboard set simulating space turbulence? Entertaining. No-name actors doing the patented Spielberg Gaze at an allegedly awesome CGI creation, when it really just looks like they're doing what they're actually doing, which is staring at a blue screen? Pass.
4. Lame inside jokes. Say you end up going to see this movie, just because hey, you want to keep up with what Hollywood thinks is terrific. Someone makes a passing comment about "Tribbles;" you're down with it. Someone makes a fleeting reference to the inherent instability of the holodeck McGuffin roto-screw; everyone's laughing and you're lost.
3. Spock still has those fucking ears. Look, in the `60s we're sure it ws exotic and amazing that this dude had pointy ears. "Yes, captain, at first blush it might seem as if I'm just another guy wearing a cheap dacron t-shirt with a steamed-on logo, but check my ears -- I'm an alien!!" Special effects and make-up have moved a bit beyond the pointed-ears-equals-wow! stage.
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SHOW ME HOW
2. What you're buying into is the idea that Shatner was a great actor. Look, we've got a wife who loves Boston Legal, and what William Shatner has done with it. We can't say we agree, but we have no say in the matter. But since this is a "prequel" to the "classic" Star Trek story (as opposed to the many spin-offs), you're supposed to look at whatever young actor is playing Kirk and imagine him as Shatner played him. And -- we're assuming -- not giggle.
1. The inevitable Scotty crap. You know it, I know it, we all know it's coming. And many, many of us will not be amused by it. Wow, he's young and he's yelling some SNL-skit-level Scottish brogue about how "the engines canna take it anymo' cap'n!!"
Anyway, Trekilonians, enjoy the hell out of your rebooting. At least the rest of us won't have to see the trailer anymore.